Prayers of Friendship

I was blessed on May 12, 2008 to have met Karla Tesch. She and I met at a Look Good Feel Better program sponsored by the American Cancer Society. Karla and I had decided on the same chemo treatment. We spent many hours on the phone conversing about the side effects we were each enduring. Her biggest pet peeve...crooked wigs.

Karla and her husband are the most devout Christians I have ever met. I do believe she was placed into my life to help me find my spiritual side. Sometimes when you have nothing else to go on, you need to find faith. She was loving, funny and most of all, calming.

Karla's health took a turn over Christmas. She passed away on Monday afternoon. Her husband, Jack, spoke with me on Monday night. She went peacefully. It was their 39th wedding anniversary on Monday. Jack shared with me that every year they renew their wedding vows. She was able to find the strength to renew their vows during her last moments. Love and faith conquer all.

May you find peace and comfort from above. You will be missed.

Time to Celebrate

The Thanksgiving Turkey has been eaten, along with the leftovers and Santa Clause has come and gone. Shopping and wrapping were finished prior to Christmas Eve, so it made the holidays not so stressful.

Maia and I attended Christmas Eve mass with Rich. After the service we headed to the Kondikoff's for Eve festivities.

Maia slept until almost 8:00 in the morning, which is remarkable for a child knowing Santa came the night before! I was fighting off a bug, so I was a little under the weather on Christmas Day. Maia enjoyed her videos, baby dolls and WII games. Santa was good to Rich and I as well. Maia gave him the watch he sent to have repaired a few months back. It was his father's, so the sentimental value was gracious. We enjoyed the rest of Christmas Day at John & Mom's.

This season also gave me time to wonder where the past year has gone. Many of the months are foggy, but I think it is the body's way of dealing with pain. I spent the beginning of December with a major case of depression. I figured it may have happened sooner or later, but not the way I expected it. There are times in your life when you need to bite the bullet and seek help. I guess there is no better time than the present. I spent the past nine months running on survival mode, but never took the time to deal with the emotional side of cancer. It caught up to me. We all know how to grieve for the loss of a parent, friend and even pet. No one ever tells us how to grieve for ourselves. We think of it as being selfish and we can deal with it on our own. Grief will get you when you least expect it.

It was an eye-opening experience. I spent many hours with therapists and have a much better understanding. I wish I would have had the tools and information months ago...it would have saved my sanity!

We are looking forward to a New Year and a new life beginning. The small things in life have become wondrous. Time for ourselves in needed and it is ok to leave the dishes in the sink.

Holiday Visits

The weeks have gone by and the holidays are among us. Rich's father, Joseph, came to visit for Thanksgiving. Rich, Maia, Joe and Mary(Rob's mom) made a 13 hour drive to visit frigid Colorado. Maia enjoyed time with Crissy, Rob and her niece, Shelby. Rich was happy to have four generations together for a few photos. They ventured to the "North Pole" to check on Maia's Christmas list. It was the 2nd time in Maia's life she touched snow!

The family made it home just in time to get ready for Turkey Day. The turkey was perfect and so was the company. The entire family was here and our dear friends, Jenn & Jose, survived another holiday with us. Love you both!

We spent the following days after Thanksgiving dragging out the Christmas decorations. The tree is up and decorated, the lights are hanging on the outside of the house and Maia is patiently waiting to decorate the gingerbread house I purchased. We have a few holiday parties to attend this weekend. And the season begins...

3 Day Affair

Walkers from all over the country came to Phoenix for a great cause....to bring awareness to Breast Cancer. Rich was one of those walkers...he walked for his mother, his sister and me. He was asked to carry a flag during opening and closing ceremonies. He did not turn that opportunity down! Thousands of people, but Team W.I.S.H. stands out, neon green. As flags were placed to the East, the sun was cresting over the hill as the walkers started their 3 Day journey through a set of inspirational flags. A full moon was in the sky to the west. Perfect way to begin a long 60 miles. Maia and I joined a large group of supports on Saturday at a cheering station along the route. People dressed up, made signs, drove by waiving pink flags, cars adorned with ribbons for the Cause. It was great motivation for the weary cause setters!

The camp area was for crew mates and walkers only. Rich was asked to give a speech on Saturday evening. In a sea of pink tents and in front of 3,000 walkers, he spoke from the heart.

Sunday afternoon arrived and so did Rich with a twisted ankle. He managed to make it 60 miles without a problem. He twisted it about a mile from the stadium. He was determined to make it into the stadium and carry his flag for closing ceremonies. I did not make the 60 mile journey this year. The emotion standing on the field was incredible. Energy, exhaustion, commitment and sorrow could be felt standing there. Crew members enter the stadium followed by walkers. The area in front of the stage was filled. Survivors filled the center circle. In the midst of energy and emotion, one shoe is taken off by the walkers and held in the air. Amazing symbolism..

Rich was the last flag to take the stage. Maia and I followed and took our place next to him along with the other guests. Looking out into a crowd of people is very overwhelming. Fulfillment is to see neon green shirts amongst the crowd. With all but one flag presented, survivors in the center circle raised the last flag. Let's find the cure

Not our choice

I spent this afternoon with a young woman I met while in chemo. She called me late last night to tell me she was in the hospital due to respiratory problems. I could hear in her voice last night she just needed someone to talk to. I went to the hospital to see her this afternoon. She was so delighted to see a visitor, someone to relate to, someone to talk with. She and her family have basically nothing and earn below poverty level. She has struggled to balance health and home, but health is slowly deteriorating. Heartbreaking.

The smile that came to her face when she saw me was like no other. It seemed as if a twinkle of hope sparked her from within. The realization of cancer is it does not matter what you do for a living, what you earn, how you live...all fears are the same. As a mother, we want our children to be cared for. As a spouse, we want our spouses to know we appreciate all they do while we are feeling ill. As a patient, we want to know we are going to be in good hands of doctors. I thank the wonderful nun that came to visit her today. Sister Gabriella has a family that will be adopting her family over the holiday season. God has worked miracles again. I hope he can work a miracle for her recovery.

On my drive home today, I planned on contacting a woman I met at the Look Good Feel Better Class. Karla is an amazing woman. She and I were at the opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to hair, but her determination and humor kept her going. I wish we had more opportunities to meet, but our surgical/chemo schedules left them to phone conversations.

I got home today, unloaded my stuff, played the answering machine, dug for my phonebook to call Karla. On my machine was a message from her husband, letting me know the cancer spread to her liver. My heart dropped. I sat down and realized this is not our choice of illness, but it is our choice to survive. I pray for her treatment to be successfull.

Start your engines...

NASCAR weekend rolled into Phoenix. Rich and I headed out to PIR for another enjoyable NASCAR weekend. I had got upclose with Clint Boyer and had him autograph my jacket. My Pop-Pop was a huge racing fan, so I take his jacket to every race. Our seat were between the start/finish line and turn one...so we had a great view of the track. A few rain drops and high winds made it a little chilly, but it was a great race. Jimmy Johnson took the checker, so I was happy! The look on Maia's face was even better when she saw the photo above. This is as close as I will ever get! Can't wait until April!

Walking beside me...

A few weeks ago, I took part in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. The relay started at 6PM and went until 6 AM( I made it until about 3 AM and crashed!) The theory behind the walk is "cancer does not sleep." Then again, neither do the patients going through chemo...damn steroids!

Survivors(in the photo is Karen, myself and Linda) had the honor to walk the first lap around the track, families join for the send lap and remainder of participants join for the third lap. Around 10PM, the luminary ceremony took place. Luminaries could be purchased, decorated in memory of a loved one, lit and are placed around the inside track. In the grandstands, they spell out "Hope & Cure" with plain luminaries. It looked beautiful. Rich and I purchased two, one in memory of his mother and one in memory of my grandmother.

When I was about six or seven, I had an autograph book I got at Disney World. My Grams had written a poem in the book. Years ago, I took the poem from my long kept autograph book, and put it in a frame. It has remained either next to my bed or my dresser for many years. I have never seen the poem written in any book, nor have I heard it spoken. It is very dear to me.

Upon walking the luminaries lap, a gentleman took the stand to explain this was a time to remember those lost and those still battling. He began with the wonderful poem my Grams had written in my autograph book. I burst into tears. With goosebumps down my body, standing motionless, I knew she was with me. Never doubt your angels, they show up when you least expect it, or when you need them the most.

Veteran's Day

It was a beatiful weekend to honor our Veterans. Maia's Tae Kwon Do class was a part of the community festivities. Jill, Chase and Olivia had the honors of riding in the Wells Fargo Stagecoach. Post parade activities included a community "picnic", music by Chase's school chorus, military flyover and helicopter tours. The weather was perfect...great day for a parade!

Recovering Gracefully

The surgery on Thursday went well. It was a short procedure, wheeled in at 9 AM and was in recovery by 10 AM. A strip of Alloderm was inserted into my right breast. My tissue will heal with the Alloderm and make my skin a little stronger.
I was a little queasy from the Demerol and the ride home was painful. Once again, bathing is challenging. I can't get the bandage wet until I see the doctor on Wednesday. Aggrivation for the next week!

On Wednesday, Roy's had their annual Ohana Tour. The tour is a what most of us would consider a town hall meeting. CEO, Mark Running, and director of training, Leila Whatoff, are the annual hosts. I was finally able to thank Mark personally for all his/Roy's support throughout the past months. I cannot give enough thanks to my boss, Bob, as well. I am proud to be part of such a warm and caring ohana. I also owe Marissa many kudos for picking up the slack while I was out. She did a great job keeping the office organized and my job as simple as it could be upon my return. Debbie..thanks for your patience many miles away! We survived.

Not so easy

After having a wonderful weekend of relaxation, followed by great friends and family, I came to a screaching halt on Monday morning.

I went back to the doctor to have the incision in my right breast checked. This was a follow-up visit from the infection I had last week. The doctor looks at it and tells me the tissue is not thick enough on the right side. They need to go in and insert a piece of "cadaver" tissue so my tissue has something to adhere to. WHAT? I don't care about the cadaver part, I am a donor myself, but I was not expecting to have to go under the knife again. My question was "when do we do this"....answer...tomorrow.

This tissue will work like a retaining wall. My tissue is not strong enough to support what is there, so my incision can burst at any time. My tissue with adhere to the cadaver piece to strengthen the area. I can visualize myself walking down the street.....What was that, oh nothing, just my boob laying on the ground. And before I was worried about nipples falling off!

Scoreboard is as follows: Left side Cancer. Healed fine.
Right side cancer free. Feels left out and want attention and a piece of someone else. Scorekeeper...waiting final match!

Let me just say...thank God for Versaid!

Dinner at Mom's

Or so I thought....my husband and family were up to no good. I walked into Mom's to be greeted by a "Surprise". Shocked the hell out of me. Rich had put together a "kicked cancers ass" celebration. It was a great evening with a great bunch of people. Love you all!

Weekend to Relax

We all look at life and see how quickly it goes by. On the 18th, Rich and I will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. Rich surprised me with a weekend away in Sedona. We left on Friday and returned on Sunday.

We spent Friday just walking around the town of Sedona browsing the shops. No child to worry about and no time to keep. Rich found a really nice pair of cowboy boots...he can't have them until Christmas. We wanted to find someplace different to eat, so we settled on the Barking Frog. As we pulled in the parking lot, we realized it was the same place Chrissy and Rob had their wedding reception...the old Casa Ricon. Food was great and ambiance was wonderful.

Saturday we decided to tackle a hike to Devil's Bridge. I was not sure how far I would be able to go, but determination kept me going. The views along the trail were breathtaking. The weather was perfect, crisp and cool. The last portion of the trail was a little rocky and upward. The natural bridge was stunning. I took the short path over to the beginning of the bridge and made my way out onto the top portion. I thought of my father(who is deathly afraid of heights) as I was standing on the top wanting to look down. What a rush! I was so glad I did not decide to turn around and head back to the car. Determination won again.

Rich and I headed back to the hotel in the afternoon to get cleaned up for dinner. We stopped at Chapel of the Rock before dinner and experienced a stunning sunset. The weather was rather windy and cold, but a sunset in Sedona is worth seeing.

Rich made reservations at Dahl & Deluccas for dinner. We had the pleasure of meeting the owner before dinner in the wine shop next door to the restaurant. Dinner was impeccable! I can't even go into detail or I will begin to drool. Highly recommended!

Sunday morning we took a short hike through Oak Creek Canyon and stopped at Tuzigoot National Monument. Rather impressive set of ruins outside of Clarksville. They had rooms with a view...even hundreds of years ago!

After a trek through Tuzigoot...we headed back to Anthem to have dinner at Mom's, or so I thought.....

Unknown Part II

It has been almost six months to the day I had my mastectomy. Waking tomorrow, I will have my final phase of this battling process. So, this evening I ponder the thought of what my body will look like this time when I wake up. I will awake with boobs. What if I don't like the shape or size? What if they feel funny? The expanders in my chest hurt some days, will the actual implants hurt? Such questions to consider...womanhood!

I must give many heartfelt prayers to the women I have met who are not this far and still have a long way to go in their recovery process. We all have our own stories and timelines. We met due to an unpredictable circumstance, but we become stronger by those who have entered our lives due to the unknown. We can share our stories and never feel envy, jealousy or comparison. We know this is where our own paths may go, so we absorb it, learn from it and pray for health.

I can come home tomorrow and tell Maia that Mom's hard chest has been replaced and prove to her the new ones are not "long and squishy!"

Getting back to normal

Yes, it has been a few weeks since I have updated the site. The family took a short trip the other weekend to Lynx Lake in Prescott Valley. Maia has never slept in a tent, so we opted for one overnight stay at a campsite. We rented a boat and enjoyed some time on the lake. Maia was not to happy when the boat rocked the slightest bit. It was "freaking me out", as Maia would say.

Behind the dam is a short hiking trail that runs along the creek. We took a short hike to the bottom to try to pan for gold. I decided to take off my sandals and put my feet in the water. Upon slipping on a rock, I fell butt first into the creek up to my armpits it the water. It was rather hilarious. The softball size bruise on by butt cheek did not find it quite as funny.

The evening was splendid. We took a short hike around the lake, went back to camp and cooked a few marshmallows. Great ending to a perfect day. I can't wait until the weather cools off to take a few more hiking trips.

I forgot how much solitude lies within the forest. Crisp pine air, thousands of stars and even a crescent moon. And the hoot of an owl to make it surreal. Natures therapy.

Belated Birthday

Many long awaited months have passed to celebrate a wonderful birthday dinner. My father and stepmother sent my brother and I a gift certificate for a lobster dinner.

The chemo drugs are slowly diminishing and my tastebuds are back....no better time than the future than to enjoy a wonderful meal. And a wonderful meal it was!

We ordered four, five pound lobsters. They were delivered around 2:45 Friday afternoon. Maia was freaking out everytime she heard the claws scratch against the box. Neither Chase, Oliva or Maia wanted to hold them. I guess in a childs eyes they can be scary looking.

I borrowed a restaurant size pan to cook them in...two at a time. The first two went in without hesistation. Lobby number 3 felt obligated to try to jump out of the pan. It would not have been so bad, but the pot of butter(which was turned off by now...all 3lbs) was sitting next to the lobster pot. A small bit of water hit the pan of butter and eruption occured! Butter, butter and more butter everywhere! Clean up later...time to eat!

Living in Arizona, we enjoy lobster when we can. The proper instruments to eat lobster are hard to come by. Hammers, plyers and wooded skewers work just fine to pick a lobster. Rich and Jeremy broke, twisted, cracked and pryed every morsel of meat for the rest of us to chow on!

Messy, messy and more messy...but every bite was enjoyed. And every bite will be remembered. The left overs...yes, we had leftovers....have been frozen for the next dinner of lobster bisque.....pounds of it.

So thank you again Dad and Karla, we enjoyed every moment.

Now it is time to call Merry Maids for the clean-up committee.

Final Countdown...

I have made it to the end. My last chemo session! I walked out of my oncologists office and cried. Cried as a sign of relief, cried for the unknown of the next five years, but most of all cried out from victory. Victory to say I am a survivor.

I can soon start to enjoy walking at lengths again. I can drop the ten pounds steroids have given me! I can finish the scrapbook I started without feeling "foggy". I can deal with what God puts in front of me. I can support others. Most of all, I can make a difference.

I will have my official celebration when the side effects of this last treatment have subsided. I have been patiently waiting to indulge in a lobster dinner from my father and stepmother. I can't think of an easier way to celebrate!

Aunt at 6

Maia is happy to announce she is an Aunt! Christine and Rob are the proud parents of Shelby Lee. She was born on July 1st. Weighing in at 5lbs 4oz. She is still in the hospital, but getting stronger every day. Get ready for sleepless nights!

5 O'Clock Now Where??

There is a wonderful place in our neighborhood called the Eccentric Gourmet. Phil is such a pleasure to speak with, always smiling. He knows your likes/dislikes in wine. He is the man to go to for food pairings. Lets not forget his wonderful wife Linda. Sweet, sincere and genuinely kind. It has been a great place to grab a glass of unique wine, a great cheese plate and have good conversation without "bar" atmosphere. Phil's is a neighborhood institution!

I needed a few refills on my olive oil and balsamic vinegar collection. So, off to Eccentric Gourmet I went. Bottles in hand, I walk in to find Phil his happy go lucky normal self and Linda rearranging shelf items. The shelves seemed a little barren, so I asked if they were restocking. Not really. All that I keep hearing is "No, we are closing." My mouth could have swallowed the earth at that point. I said to the woman sitting next to me, "This is about as upsetting as the day I found out I have cancer!"

To Phil and Linda....you have brought people together by common interest, quest for good wine. You have become a staple to our vocabulary that will not be erased. May your endeavors be true to your heart and your hands never have an empty glass......Cheers!

Bras for Flip-flops

As the 4th of July weekend is underway, so are the sales. There are only a few styles my body can accommodate at this point in time. Frustration, you bet. I can shop for items that can be worn from the waist down. I have given up trying on shirts other than tees. Sun dresses...gave up. Fitted, pleated, cropped blouses.....out of the question. The expanders in my chest are starting to show, but not the way the permanent implants will. I feel like I am wearing hockey pucks in my chest.

I have traded shopping for shirts into shopping for shoes. Coldwater Creek had a smoking sale on the cutest flip-flops. So since I can't buy bras for my chest, I guess I can buy bras for my feet!

10,000 miles to tears

As quoted by Sue Monk Kidd:  "...I can't tell you who I am without telling you who my girlfriend is.  Our relationships with other woman are a part of the ground of our being.  So I can't say who I am without talking about my female friend and who she is in my life."

I sat by the pool today thinking about a cherished friendship that is about to move from 25 feet to 10,000 miles to Indonesia.  Bonnie and I met when Mom was building her home here in Anthem. Our friendship came easy, as true friendships should.  Our children have spent the years growing up together.  Bonnie's attitude is like mine....what you see is what you get.  You will never question where you stand with her.  She will give you the advise you never want to hear and love her for it.  She is honest, stubborn, independent and caring.   She is a friend every woman should have...if you can handle complete honesty.  I adore her honesty.

We have laughed, cried, bitched and moaned.....and wined.  And I mean WINED.  We wined while laughing, crying, bitching & moaning.  Good wine, bad wine....wine, wine, wine.

Bonnie, John, Kate & Syndey are a second family.  Maia has never had to "miss" anyone other than Nana & Pop-pop.  She told me tonight that she is sad they are moving.  The best explanation I could tell a six year old......"It is Ok to miss someone.  It just means you love and care about them."   Little does Maia know how it breaks my heart to see them go.I will not give the Wilmot's a "goodbye", but rather a "I will see you soon."  I can guarantee over the next few weeks enough tears will be shed to make a new ocean.

Stayaway Weekend

High gas prices seem to have kept many people staying closer to home. We are one of those families. We went to Cave Creek/Carefree for an overnight stay at the Carefree Resort. To make the weekend more enjoyable, KMLE Country Radio station was also at the resort. We participated in ping pong ball pickup competitions, frozen tee shirt contests (children were present.....to rectify.....you had to pry apart the frozen tee and put it on) and a scavenger hunt. The scavenger hunt paid off...we won the grand prize. Three tickets to Professional Bull Riding finals in August, a road trip guide and a Microsoft GPS System. Maia enjoyed roasting smores by the fire. Following sticky faces and fingers was a old western gunfight. Great time to stay away!

Rebirth as an Adult

I wrote this in my journal on April 22, after we shaved my head.

Looking in the mirror after shaving your hair is rather shocking. It left me with the same feeling after I gave birth to Maia. You spend months doing everything you can to protect the child growing inside of you. The hours you spend running your hands over your belly, knowing it is your childs shelter. Then, overnight, your hands run over a flat surface that once protected everything you once and prayed for to be healthy. Your child is now in the open and all you can do is hope and pray the choices you make will be the best.

You run you hands over the hair that once protected you. The hair is gone, but your body is the shelter that you now pray will turn out for the best. It is the shelter that houses the love, nerves, laughs and cries visible to the world. What is inside is the making of the child. The inner child you learn to know all over again.

Decision to blog

While driving to my 4th chemo treatment, the inspiration to do this webpage came from a friend and coworker in Tampa, Debbie. She shared her pages with me and I thought this would be a good way to keep everyone posted my progress. I have kept a written journal since my diagnosis. I plan on transferring some of my better pieces to this webpage.

I realized today I am over the halfway hump of my treatment. The "now what?" and the "what if's?" are starting to ponder my mind. After my final treatment on July 30th, CAT scans will be performed to make sure the cancer has not metastasized. We don't believe it has, but it will put my mind to ease.

As my chest has received another 50cc's of fluid, I am starting to look like I did in 6th grade. Watching your chest increase is a rather strange process. I guess it is the only time in my life I will be able to try each cup size out....better yet....without a bra!