Days of Progression

Mission of the Good Shepherd had a beautiful healing mass the other weekend. Father Mark gave a lovely sermon. We were surrounded by members of Team W.I.S.H., family and friends. It was emotionally uplifting as well as spiritually. It has taken me a long time to find a parish that feels like home and I think I have found it. It has given me enlightenment I have been seeking for a long time.

People have asked me what they say my prognosis is. Honestly I have not asked the question. I don't want someone to put a timeline on my life. When my time is to come, it will come. Until then, I take each day as it comes.

After my first chemo treatment, we knew they may have to change my drugs upon the report from TGen. They did. I am currently taking Adriomycin/Cytoxin. Radiation and chemo pills will still follow. Chemo treatment on the 12th landed me in the hospital with severe vomiting. This round on the 26th has been much better. I can no longer feel the 3 lymph nodes in my neck, so I feel the drugs are working. I have two more treatments to go. November 9th and 23rd.

I came to the realization I will not be walking the 3Day this year. This is such a triumphant year, it breaks my heart. John has been granted permission by the 3Day organization to walk in my place due to the circumstances. Once again, I cried. Something I can do a lot of these days. I plan on feeling well enough to attend closing ceremonies with my husband, mother, John and teammates. In seven years, Team W.I.S.H. has raised over 1 MILLION DOLLARS for Susan G. Komen.

So there is my update.

Down Time in San Diego

We are rich. Not by large bank accounts or monetary possessions. We are rich with family, friends, employers and those people who have come into our lives for the very first time.

Before my lymph node surgery, Andy and Louise were kind enough to send us to San Diego for a few days of mental downtime. It was well needed for clarity. Rich and I spent the days walking La Jolla beaches and listening to the seals. Relaxing on Mission beach watching the dolphins in the distance. Ocean breezes clean the soul. We walked the street fair in downtown Little Italy. No time restrictions, no doctors to call...at least for a few days.

While sitting on Mission Beach, a couple placed their blanket down in front of us. She had a bandanna on her head and he had a pink ribbon bracelet on his wrist. "What are the odds in 50 miles of beach!", I thought to myself. We struck up conversation. She was 25 years old, avid runner, fitness guru. Doctors thought she pulled a muscle in her upper thigh. Cancer had spread from her breast to her lungs to her lymph nodes all down her leg. Her chemo regimen was something I could never even imagine. I was rich, to share stories with a perfect stranger and a conversation I will never forget.

Our employers have been so supportive, time off, food deliveries and just phone calls. It means the world to us.

Women I once gave advise to are now calling me to check in. I am taking new drugs, so side effects are different. We exchange notes, complaints and tears. There is no easy way through it. We have come full circle...once again.

Round 1 Chemo...trip to Seattle

My cousin Paul and his fiance Tiffany were getting married in Seattle. I had my first chemo treatment 3 days before the wedding. I was determined to feel well enough to enjoy the wedding and spend time with my family.

The wedding was small and intimate. It was heartfully warming to see my family again all in one place. All the cousins children are growing up to become beautiful young ladies and lads. I miss girl talk and time with Christine. My aunt is also going through a battle with cancer, so we compared notes and tears. I wish I felt better to participate in more of the social chatting, but the hotel room had other plans for me. I was the bedwarmer for a few hours.

I managed to take some time with Mom, John, Jeremy and Jill along the Ballard Locks followed by a stupendous lunch at Anthony's on the water. Fish and chips like I have never tasted! Getting a craving now. The gardens surrounding the locks are so beautiful and the flowers so stunning and large.

We also took time and went to the Space Needle. It was a clear day and we had a view of the entire city and mountain ranges surrounding the area. After taking in the great views, I took a view of the toilet as the chemo kicked in. There ended my fun day. The rest of the gang headed out with the bride, groom and family for a winery tour. Yes, I skipped out on a winery tour. Enough said there.

I was really feeling under the weather(Seattle drizzly)Sunday morning, but I was determined to see Pikes Market. The flowers they sell are the largest flowers I ahve ever seen, and cheap. The lobster tails are larger than two hands! I am so glad I felt somewhat human to enjoy a 1/4 pound of dungenous crab meat and a few bites of buttery pastries. Jeremy was on a chowder hunt and I think he had his share. We enjoyed as much fish and chips and chowder as the body can allow.

This trip also gave quality time to spend with John and Mom, Jeremy and Jill. It was great to have John as a tour guide and listed to his "true story I tell ya"s. Many thanks to Mom and John for a great trip and great memories.

Here we go again...

So here we go again. August 18th gave me life ticket I never wanted to get. My cancer has returned.

I found an inflamed lymph node along my collarbone. August 13th I met with my oncologist for my quarterly visit and he felt the same thing.

August 16th I had a PET scan and the findings showed three lymph nodes along my collarbone and a spot behind my breast bone.

August 17th I met with the breast surgeon. He did a needle biopsy of one of the nodes. August 20th confirmed cancer cells.

Flurry of emotions and knowing how chemo makes me feel is never welcome. I was also informed I will be needing radiation this time. This is a new realm for me. I researched the names given to me and have found the lady that will give me a sunburn.

Meeting with the radiation oncologist.....

After viewing my previous reports from my diagnosis two years ago, I did everything by the book. I am the less than 10% of the population that chemo did not kill the small cancer cell that lingered behind my breast.

She explained to me that 10 years ago when they did full radical mastectomies, that tiny node behind my chest most likely would have been found, but the tiny questionable lymph node under my arm would not have been detected. Technology over the past five years has given us sentinel node biopsy, which allowed us to find the tiny 4th lymph node under my arm two years ago. The activity in it was small, they could not even consider it a positive node.

More medical jargon...due to the grade of my tumors upon my original diagnosis, this is an aggressive cancer. I was Stage 2A(determined by my tumor size and small lymph node activity) with a Grade 3(3 is the highest) and the mitotic rate was a 9. I am also triple negative(Estrogen, Progesterone and Her2 negative). I knew from the beginning I may be faced with re-occurrence within the first three years.

My chemo and radiation are going to be very aggressive. I will be taking Carboplatin and Gemzar every two weeks for three sessions. Radiation will follow after the chemo regimen. I will be radiated twice a day for 3 1/2 weeks and chemo pills will be taken along with the radiation.

There it is...my ass getting kicked.

Expansion, mind over "matter"

I wonder if the Canadians have a boob up on us? In Canada, after a woman has a mastectomy, they undergo treatment(chemo, radiation, etc). Once they are completed, women then go back in to have expanders put in their chest to stretch the muscle tissue. Once they are to the size they want, the expanders are removed and the implants are put in.

Canadian women have time to adjust to being "flat" chested. They have time to heal. Heal both physically and even emotionally. I wonder now if waiting is better. The body needs to heal. Tissue needs to regrow, regenerate. Emotionally a woman needs to accept her new body. Yes, the thought of "perky" crosses our minds, but have we really accepted our loss in such a short time between mastectomy and new boobs?

Cancer is battle. Get it done, get me through this, get me well. Make me look like a woman again!

Why am I writing this almost two years later? Understanding what I know now after two additional surgeries. Finding out a good friend is having the same problems I had after her implants were placed. Telling her that I know it is not easy. Crying because I know the pain and anguish she is facing. Wanting to get back to life without having to worry about another surgery. To look in the mirror naked without shaking our heads. Just make me whole again! I am not sure when the emotional turmoil goes away.

So does it matter? Before or after? I guess this is the question. Who ever thought a piece of plastic filled with fluid could cause distress? I would love to meet a few more Canadians. Maybe they have the answer to the questions.

Long time

Guilty as charged. It has been a long time since I have updated this space. School is almost out of session, Rich is healing from his surgery(info to follow) and I have survived another visit to the oncologist.

Rich had another bought of diverticulitus, so they removed 8 inches of his intestine on April 30th. A few pounds lighter and a little less time for digestion:) He is healing well and will be returning to work next week.

We had a great visit with my father and stepmom this past weekend. There are so many wonderful places I would love to take them, but as I get older, it is great just to spend quality downtime with them. Maia and my niece and nephew really enjoy the time spent with them. It is the little things and the time together that mean the most.

My oncologist appointment went well. Normal routine of questions and bloodwork. So far no signs of reoccurance and I want to keep it that way.

I am looking forward to the end of June when friends return from Indonesia. Even though we skype, nothing beats a "good friend and a glass of wine"! Can't wait!

Fundraising for the 3 Day has begun. Walmart tables, fundraising events and training walks are scheduled. November will be here before we know it. More names to carry with me, will it ever end? More on the next blog.