Here we go again...

So here we go again. August 18th gave me life ticket I never wanted to get. My cancer has returned.

I found an inflamed lymph node along my collarbone. August 13th I met with my oncologist for my quarterly visit and he felt the same thing.

August 16th I had a PET scan and the findings showed three lymph nodes along my collarbone and a spot behind my breast bone.

August 17th I met with the breast surgeon. He did a needle biopsy of one of the nodes. August 20th confirmed cancer cells.

Flurry of emotions and knowing how chemo makes me feel is never welcome. I was also informed I will be needing radiation this time. This is a new realm for me. I researched the names given to me and have found the lady that will give me a sunburn.

Meeting with the radiation oncologist.....

After viewing my previous reports from my diagnosis two years ago, I did everything by the book. I am the less than 10% of the population that chemo did not kill the small cancer cell that lingered behind my breast.

She explained to me that 10 years ago when they did full radical mastectomies, that tiny node behind my chest most likely would have been found, but the tiny questionable lymph node under my arm would not have been detected. Technology over the past five years has given us sentinel node biopsy, which allowed us to find the tiny 4th lymph node under my arm two years ago. The activity in it was small, they could not even consider it a positive node.

More medical jargon...due to the grade of my tumors upon my original diagnosis, this is an aggressive cancer. I was Stage 2A(determined by my tumor size and small lymph node activity) with a Grade 3(3 is the highest) and the mitotic rate was a 9. I am also triple negative(Estrogen, Progesterone and Her2 negative). I knew from the beginning I may be faced with re-occurrence within the first three years.

My chemo and radiation are going to be very aggressive. I will be taking Carboplatin and Gemzar every two weeks for three sessions. Radiation will follow after the chemo regimen. I will be radiated twice a day for 3 1/2 weeks and chemo pills will be taken along with the radiation.

There it is...my ass getting kicked.

Expansion, mind over "matter"

I wonder if the Canadians have a boob up on us? In Canada, after a woman has a mastectomy, they undergo treatment(chemo, radiation, etc). Once they are completed, women then go back in to have expanders put in their chest to stretch the muscle tissue. Once they are to the size they want, the expanders are removed and the implants are put in.

Canadian women have time to adjust to being "flat" chested. They have time to heal. Heal both physically and even emotionally. I wonder now if waiting is better. The body needs to heal. Tissue needs to regrow, regenerate. Emotionally a woman needs to accept her new body. Yes, the thought of "perky" crosses our minds, but have we really accepted our loss in such a short time between mastectomy and new boobs?

Cancer is battle. Get it done, get me through this, get me well. Make me look like a woman again!

Why am I writing this almost two years later? Understanding what I know now after two additional surgeries. Finding out a good friend is having the same problems I had after her implants were placed. Telling her that I know it is not easy. Crying because I know the pain and anguish she is facing. Wanting to get back to life without having to worry about another surgery. To look in the mirror naked without shaking our heads. Just make me whole again! I am not sure when the emotional turmoil goes away.

So does it matter? Before or after? I guess this is the question. Who ever thought a piece of plastic filled with fluid could cause distress? I would love to meet a few more Canadians. Maybe they have the answer to the questions.

Long time

Guilty as charged. It has been a long time since I have updated this space. School is almost out of session, Rich is healing from his surgery(info to follow) and I have survived another visit to the oncologist.

Rich had another bought of diverticulitus, so they removed 8 inches of his intestine on April 30th. A few pounds lighter and a little less time for digestion:) He is healing well and will be returning to work next week.

We had a great visit with my father and stepmom this past weekend. There are so many wonderful places I would love to take them, but as I get older, it is great just to spend quality downtime with them. Maia and my niece and nephew really enjoy the time spent with them. It is the little things and the time together that mean the most.

My oncologist appointment went well. Normal routine of questions and bloodwork. So far no signs of reoccurance and I want to keep it that way.

I am looking forward to the end of June when friends return from Indonesia. Even though we skype, nothing beats a "good friend and a glass of wine"! Can't wait!

Fundraising for the 3 Day has begun. Walmart tables, fundraising events and training walks are scheduled. November will be here before we know it. More names to carry with me, will it ever end? More on the next blog.

Little One

Jenn & Jose's precious little Sophia arrived on October 28th. She weighed in at 5 lbs. 10 oz and 19 inches long. Mom and Dad are both getting adjusted to parenthood. Do we ever really get adjusted?

We go from feeding every 2-3 hours and diaper changing to rolling around and sitting up. We master sitting up to crawling. Childproofing awaits. They walk, run and learn. We are their teachers...somehow we have now become the know-it-alls and the master of the question children all ask "why?"

You now have a better understanding of the circle of life. What more precious to pass the path onto, but a child.

Patiently Waiting....

I guess I will not be getting any sleep tonight. Jenn called to tell me her water broke and they are on the way to the hospital. Baby "R" will be making her way into the world in a few hours. So here I am blogging to keep from pacing in excitement! You two will be fantastic parents.

Many years ago I found an incredible poem about childbirth. It is a poem I have never forgotten. Powerful...grab the tissues.

“A Child's Birth”

You learn a lot about living when a child is born.

You learn that pain can overwhelm and overtake and you wonder how your own mother survived.

You clench your fists and tear the sheets as life, entering life, tears your flesh.

And the moment you hold that tiny miracle, your heart rips open in a way you never knew before.

Your flesh will heal in time. You lie bleeding, not your flesh so much as your soul.

You know that every minute of every hour of every day you will be consumed with love.

And fear is the unwelcome guest that will ride upon love's new wings.

You touch your now-empty belly and mourn the life you once had all to yourself.

You hold this life, naked flesh to naked flesh. Nurse them to your breast,
rejoice that you can still provide what they need to survive....

You close your eyes and clutch their tiny fingers as they form to yours.

And in your heart you know that one day they will not be yours to hold
and you feel the tearing of your soul go even deeper.....

And again you wonder how your own mother survived.

How her sanity remained when her child was no more......

You learn a lot about living when a child is born.

— A poem by Delilah

11 Years

Happy Anniversary! To my wonderful husband....we have endured our share of troubles and triumphs. There is no one I would rather spend my life with. I love you!

Counting down

September has come and gone. I am grateful I can remember more of this year than last! The Breast Cancer 3 Day walk is a month away. I have had a few setbacks in my training. After battling fatigue, low grade fever and pelvic pain for 3-4 months, my appendix was taking out on the 9th. So with my tolerance being low, I was hit with the swine flu compliments of Maia. Feeling better each day, but I still get tired.

I may end up with a few more blisters than I was expecting, but I am looking forward to the event. Camera will be ready and tissues will be carried...maybe an entire box. My list of people I will carry with me keeps getting longer. I can no longer use two hands for the amount of people I know with breast cancer. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Please feel free to feel your boobies!