Moving forward...and back tracked

When in Bali...

2011-07-25T13:32:00.000-07:00

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The Maya Resort and Spa is not a resort, but a sanctuary of stress free bliss! We have died and gone to heaven. Cold towel upon arrival and exotic beverage. After we checked in, the staff drove us down to our villa. Each villa has their own "door entrance". You open the wooden doors and walk down the stairs to your villa. Our unit overlooks the lower section of the rice paddies. Bonnie and I are both speechless over this place. Negative edge pool, outside shower...it is stunning! There is a book on the table listing this as one of the worlds top 100 resorts. I can see why.

The spa called our name...full hour massage, body scrub and lunch one day, facials the next.

The hotel provided a shuttle to uptown Ubud. We ventured to the Monkey Temple after a morning of spa relaxation. Rule of thumb when visiting the Monkey Temple, do not take food in with you(even if they are selling bananas at the entrance way!) and don't make eye contact. I love monkeys, but I also know how easily they can turn on a person. So we strolled through the temple without food, making fun of the idiots who carried food in. The idiots were then being accosted by monkeys. Couple of loud screams heard in the distance could not have been good. Last thing I wanted on this trip was to be bitten by a rabid monkey.

We found a great restaurant I read about on Trip Advisor. I must give high regards to Bridges. The food was incredible, great wine selection and the setting was just as wonderful. It was so good, we ate here twice!

Travel to Ubud

2011-07-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

I am usually researching and planning any vacation ever taken. All the planning for this trip was in the hands of the Wilmots. I left myself open to any experience willing to cross my path. We had no set plans on the places we wanted to see. Bonnie has never been to Ubud, so this was a new area for her to explore.
I am in awe to the landscape of this country. The temples along the roadway are a work of art. Driving on the other hand....we will leave this task up to the hired drivers. There is no rhyme or reason to the lines on the road, who gets what lane...all while motor scooters are coming at you like you are invisible. Yet, no accidents. This may take some getting used to. Did I mention you can fit a family of five on a Vespa?

Our driver is quite the character. He takes us to all the touristy places along the route to Ubud. The silver/gold smith, the batik fabric store, wood carvers and lunch at the rice fields along the way. The narrow roads are lined with store after store of goods for sale. The workmanship is pride worthy, yet the cost is pennies on the US dollar. Each town you pass specializes in a certain trade. This is a decorators paradise.

Arrived in Bali!

2011-07-09T20:25:00.000-07:00

After a long day of travel, our feet landed in Bali. Upon exiting the airport, I have never seen so many motor scooters in my life! We grab a cab to the Patra Hotel not far from the airport. Vacation has begun. I can smell the salt water in the air. After checking in, we unload our bags, shower and head out to the ocean. Nothing is better than a long walk along the ocean after flying all day. We kicked back and enjoyed a few cocktails and headed back to the room. Tomorrow brings us more travel...to Ubud.

Chopper or bus, that is the question?

2011-07-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

Four in the morning, we are packed, loaded in the truck and back down the mountain to catch a chopper to the airport. Plans are to spend the night at the Rimba and catch our flight to Lombok the next day. I believe I mentioned in a previous blog you give a few extra days in travel time for "choppers not flying." As we are about to experience.

After sitting at the helipad for a few hours, we are informed the choppers are not flying due to weather in the lowlands. A decision needs to be made as if we will now board a bus and head down the mountain, a three hour drive on a windy, unsettling road.

First let me explain the hesitation of taking the bus. Shootings have taken place along the road to the lowlands at buses full of expatriates. John lost a good friend a few years ago during an ambush on a convoy of vehicles heading to the lowlands. Matt was fired upon while heading to the golf course in the lowlands and watched a guy die next to him. Matt has not taken the bus since. I can understand his apprehensiveness. I have heard about the bus ride. Honestly, I am a little nervous myself. Everyone is leaving the island, the tribe knows they are leaving for the summer and there has not been an altercation in quite awhile. They may be getting restless. After much discussion, we decided to take the bus.

Normally, you board the bus and you are taken directly down the mountain. This time we were boarded onto the bus and taken "uptown" to the bus stop. We were then to board another bus going down to Timika. As we grabbed our luggage, we looked around us and realized, this was not a good scenario. 15 or so expats being looked upon by the local tribe, knowing where we are heading and the route to be taken. You may as well put a target on us. OK, now I am not feeling very fuzzy about this. A few phone calls were made to security and we were advised NOT to get on the bus. Don't have to ask me twice! We head back home and hope the choppers are flying tomorrow.

Could we be so lucky...no choppers flew the next day. Decision is made, we have to take the bus. Security is contacted. We board the bus and are taken to a destination where we are met by armed security to escort us down the mountain. The photo above is us waiting outside the buses for security to arrive. I think it is time for a Xanax! Down the mountain we go. I say a few prayers along the way. I looked fear in the face when I was diagnosed with cancer, but this was a different fear. You are taking a chance of not only yourself, but your family. This choice is presented to expats everytime a chopper does not fly and there are flights to catch. Tough decision to swallow.

So, the bus travels on and we are 10 minutes from the airport. Ten minutes to catch our departing flight. The airline is contacted to hold the plane for the people arriving via bus. Game plan is Bonnie and Christi head into the terminal, I grab luggage and meet them inside. We arrive, and the ladies go blowing through security to the check in counter. The guards don't even blink. In America, they would have been shot dead or tackled.

In the words of John Wilmot, he could not have stated it better:

"They made good time down the hill, made it to the airport and Garuda was still there. Only to get in the terminal and watch the last of the standby folks board up and go. Flight left them standing there, and the Ibu’s(white folk) nearly had a riot. Freaking out shouting ensued- as they then found out all flights to Bali or Makassar or Jakarta were full up through the 17th (when I am scheduled with the girls). Then they found out that no rooms were available in the Rimba! You could nearly hear the screeching up here as about 10 Ibu’s were stuck in the same situation. Finally after calls to the VP level and above, intervention by PTFI folks set it right and they mostly all had a place to sleep, but definitely not separate rooms.

That afternoon, after looking at many, many options (Jayapura to Makassar on standby to Bali) or other even less favorable versions involving Merpati Airlines and unsavoury airports, they decided on a longer, but very reliable method of Airfast to Cairns (yes, they had to go East to travel Westward… typical of here). Once in Cairns, they caught the JetStar flight to Darwin, and will catch a connecting flight to Bali tonight. ETA in Bali is 8:45 tonight. But, they will miss Lombok entirely, and will spend the night in Kuta area tonight and see if they can extend their stay in Ubud one day earlier. It should all be right now, but crazyness all yesterday. Woke up this morning to a fine mist and again, no choppers flew- for the third straight day. Sheer pandalarium at the helipad and at Rimba and at the Airport. People are getting seriously stuck and sick of the travel here- specifically in the highlands. Looking at about 750 folks not able to travel properly and more tomorrow, maybe."

There you have it. Travel in Papua. Can't wait to get to Bali!

Weeks Events

2011-07-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

After taking time to decompress, the rest of the week was filled with less excitement, at least for a few days.

Hot stone dinner at the local/only restaurant. Melting Pot meets 2 inch stone is the only way to compare it. Aussie lamb, prawns and chicken to cook your own way. 3 dipping sauces on the side and the tastebuds loved it!

I browsed the Hero market for a few items. I passed on the tendon and other strange objects which resembled a bone of something. Chickens were smaller than in the states. No hormone injected animals here. However, they do like to remove the breasts of the chickens and repackage them. When you get a craving for a roasted chicken and open the package, you have a 50/50 chance of the breasts being gone. Aggravating for the locals. I picked up a fantastic Australian cheese at the store, Black Forest. I know I will have a craving for it in the near future. Cooked a nice dinner of penne and tomato cream sauce...forgetting to look for weevils in the pasta. Extra protein is always good.

Kate and Sydney were prepping for the big "50's" theme school production. All the children in the school participate in the nights events. Each grade does their own singing and dance number. The restaurant is decorated for the evening festivities with a drive in movie theater and a 50's soda fountain. The Tembag PTA needs to inspire PTA's in the states. Kate gave her goodbye speech since she is leaving for boarding school this year. A few tears from her mother, myself and I do believe her father.

Time for a good nights sleep. Chopper to catch Saturday morning, we hope.

Part 4...Grasberg Tour

2011-07-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

John had planned a tour of the Grasberg mine during my visit. A copper mine? I really could not grasp why this could be such a big deal, I was completely wrong! John and I headed to his office first. The office building was surrounded by large equipment spewing rock out of the mountain and machinery larger than I have ever seen. We checked in and headed through the tunnel for my first view at the stages of copper mining. Conveyor belts, tumblers, extractors, etc. Final product in liquid form to be pumped down the mountain to barges. Amazing. Next phase, take the tram to base camp of the mine pit.

Now is the time in your life where you realize you need to overcome any fear you may have of heights, claustrophobia, or vastness. The tram arrives at the dock and unloads about 30-40 workers packed in like sardines. I state to John there is no way I can get in the tram pack in like that. To my luck, there is only 12 people going "up", but coming back I may not be so lucky. As we leave the dock, the clouds roll in and my view is impaired. Bummer. However, in about two minutes, we come out of the clouds with a view indescribable. You could see the top of the mountain and behind us all the way to the ocean. I am now blown out of the water. This is just the first phase of the views I am about to encounter.

John and I meet up with our guide, Jim, who has been at the mine over 20 years. Hop in the Land Rover and off we go....up "that hill!?" Any other time I may have been leery of the drive, but my adrenaline has gotten the best of me. We venture the road to the top of the open mine pit. Elevation is fourteen thousand feet and I am still able to breathe. The view has got the best of me. I feel like an ant looking over the edge of the Grand Canyon. We are lucky enough to have the skies clear to view Carstencz Glacier.

The rest of the trip was spent testing my ability to climb up metal staircases at high altitudes, walk out on narrow metal walkways over the worlds largest rock crusher....ok, now I am getting winded!

We ventured down the HEAT road to head back to our starting point. Along the way we pass a few areas where rock slides had happened not to long ago. The road signs are interesting as to the "incline" shown for a hill with rocks dropping next to it. We stopped at this beautiful waterfall along the way. It was a nice to see nature un-interrupted amongst man made works.

Part 3....Tembag Living

2011-07-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

After an exciting chopper ride, we make it to the truck to head to the Wilmot household. Elevation is about 8,000 feet and the short walk to the truck, uphill has made me realize my lungs are not quite ready for this. The town roads are all gravel, up the side of the mountain, no guardrails with speedlimits of about 15-20 miles per hour. Vehicles of choice are Ford SUV's, Land Rovers or large industrial equipment. Enough said.
Understand, I usually drive due to car sickness. I have no option but to be a passenger in this country, besides, I would not even consider driving these roads. We climb up the switchback roads to Hidden Valley. I am in complete awe at the waterfalls coming out the side of the mountains, the clouds rolling in within a blink of an eye and another corner reveals mountain terrain only seen in magazines.

The Wilmot household is located at the end of the road in Hidden Valley. The view from the home looks down onto Tembag. The view to the east is a large mountain with waterfalls everywhere. You don't see the top of the mountain very often due to clouds. The clouds change on a constant basis. One minute you get a spectacular view, the next you can see and feel the mist as it rolls in. Jungle terrain.
There are also a few homes which have been condemned due to sliding off the mountain. Add it to the rest of the excitement.

After a hot shower, John takes me down to see Bonnie at the school where she works. Not a large place, I do believe the school has about 36 students total. I spent the day in the class room watching Bonnie in action. The students gave me a tour of the school and were so proud of the gardens they were growing for a science project. For a small school, the curriculum is amazing. The school was going to be putting on an end of year 50's themed show on Friday, so many of the students were rehearsing for this huge event.

After school, Bonnie gave me the walking tour of area up the street from the school. It is basically considered the "male" market area. The tribe travels up from the bottom of the hill to sell their "goods"(beetlenut with lime, cigarettes,peanuts, snake fruit, cell phone batteries, sim cards, etc.) The smell is like no other. The tribe covers themselves in pig grease to protect their skin, the smoke clove cigarettes and chew beetlenut. While chewing his strange combination, they spit it all over the place. The spit leaves blood red stains everywhere. Now I understand what the signs for "No spitting" is for. Women are barefoot and carry their children in slings they wear around their heads hanging down there back. They are friendly and love to have their pictures taken. Out of respect, I did ask to take photos before I did so. It is very hard to determine the age of these people, as it is not documented.

Part 2...Arriving in Timika

2011-07-02T15:42:00.000-07:00

When you board a full size plane with only 15 people on board, it makes you wonder where you may be going. I arrived on the smallest airstrip I have ever seen outside of St. Thomas. The terminal area was the size of a CVS. We disembark the plane, on the tarmack and head into the terminal. I am in line with other Freeport, Redpath and contract workers. Custom agent checks my passport, guy at the small counter stamps my passport(with great fierceness) and moves me to the customs inspection. Everyone has a specific job they take pride in. I am laughing inside at the casualness of the customs agents. The xray machine is in the corner, but not plugged in. On the days it does function, they run your bags, but no one watches the xray machine. Comforting.

I gather my belongings, get my visitor pass and head out to find John. He is on the other side of the "security area" explaining to the guard he is waiting for me. The guy was not going to let him through, but security turned their back and John walked right past him. Now, I am laughing out loud. I use the term "security" in a humorous sense.

Bags in hand, off to the Rimba we go. Game plan is to spend one night in the Rimba, head back to the airport bright and early to board the helicopter to Tembagapura.

The Rimba is centered around tropical gardens, palm trees, wood carvings, etc. Flying around the area are the Blue Emperor butterflies. Papua is the only place you will find them. They are a magnificent neon blue color with black trim along the wings. They are everywhere. Grasshoppers are something you would see in a Jurassic Park movie...I think it was a grasshopper! The hotel interior is decorated with local wooden sculptures from the Papuan tribes. The rooms are spacious and cozy. All the bathrooms are equipt with a phone next to the toilet...still trying to figure this one out.

Hot shower and off to get some dinner. Baramundi wrapped in bacon, coconut rice in a banana leaf and veggies. Amazing! Morning will be here before we know it, so off to bed.

Off to the airport to catch the helicopter. After many hours, clouds have decided to alter the plan of us heading to Tembag. Back to the Rimba we go. Pouring rain, no luck of enjoying the pool. Try again tomorrow.

Tomorrow arrives and so does our luck. We board the chopper and off we go. In speaking with people who do this regularly, you need to schedule your plans two days out for chopper delay. I completely understand why people get antsy living here. This is only the beginning of the transportation frustration.

The view from the chopper is amazing. Waterfalls flow freely out of the sides of the lush green vegetation. Small huts spot the landscape, tribal life at its best. Tembagapura is within visual site. Time to land....another day of Papuan adventure awaits.

Time to travel....part one

2011-07-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

I have returned from an amazing trip visiting Indonesia. Many people cringe at the time it takes to get there, but once there, it is all worthwhile. As Americans, we have learned the hustle and bustle of everyday life. My hustle slowed down once I reached Cairns, Australia. This was my first stop before I headed off to Papua Indonesia.

After checking into the Il Palazzo, I ventured out to the waterfront area. They were hosting the first ever Cairns Triathelon, so the Esplanade area was bustling with people. I took this time to enjoy the great weather, shops and check out the local menus of the restaurants along the way.

No plans, no time frames, no calls to make, just time to enjoy life in the moment. I came upon a small art studio selling consignment work of local artists. The woman behind the desk was painting on a small canvas. I was amazed how easy she made it look just by using watercolor pencils, a little water and wahla! I complimented her on how easy she made it look. She explained art is not what you think people will like, but rather a feeling from inside. She handed me a small 2 x 3 canvas a few pencils and asked me to try. I made my attempt and realized I can change it with the swipe of a brush. I was happy with my personal rendition, knowing in another brush swipe it can be different. Funny how life reflects the end of a brush.

Fasta Pasta earned kudos from the locals, so I enjoyed a late lunch early dinner during my city exploration. I grabbed a bottle of wine, a block of cheese, crackers and an apple for a late night snack. Amazing what you can purchase at Woolworths. I dropped it off at the hotel and headed to the Esplanade to watch the sunset. And oh what a beautiful sunset it was.

The next morning, I awoke to the sound of the screaming lorakeets outside the hotel. I ventured out to the Esplanade to the same spot I watched the sunset, but only to watch the sunrise. The couple behind me was meditating to the sounds of flute music. I am in the moment, in a spectacular element, under the most breathtaking sunrise I have ever seen. I look to the sky and am grateful for life and what it has given me. The man above works wonders.

Packed and ready to board the plane to Timika, Papua. Travel may be a little different, I tell my self. That thought could not have been more accurate.

Bucket list item #1

2011-02-06T06:57:00.000-08:00

Concealed weapons class....check.
This is one class every woman should take even if you do not plan on carrying a firearm. Informative, empowering and educational. As a woman, you have a few more rights than a male should you encounter a dangerous situation. Your home is your domain and you have the right to protect it and your children. Find a class near you and sign up...you will not regret it.

New year, new me....slowly

2011-02-06T06:43:00.000-08:00

Radiation will suck the life out of you. It will burn your skin, tighten your muscles like a super Tends Unit, irritate your esophagus, give you heartburn and make you fall asleep at the dinner table sitting up. Are we having fun yet?!

I have learned to nap when needed...which I have NEVER done. Doc reminds me only a short nap as to get back up and moving to keep muscle mass. Easy for her to say. I have been using my free weights to help stretch my arm. I may even consider a yoga class to help stretch the muscles and sore joints. Chemo loves to screw with the joint system of the human body.

Radiation was completed on February 3rd! I am looking forward to getting new sneakers to start walking again. I need to get the legs back in shape for two reasons....train for the 3 Day and a lifetime experience to Bali, Indonesia. Feet training her I come!

2011-02-06T06:17:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned in my last post, time spent with others is the most important. Rich surprised me at Christmas with a spectacular gift...Mickey. Not the mouse...lifetime friends since second grade. Over the years it has been difficult for us to get together between school schedules and deployments. Maia was three last time she saw Aunt Michelle. Way to many years have gone by.

Mick arrived the second week of January for a few days well spent. Bless her heart as she made the daily trip with me to radiation and a few hours of work. Two foodies in a gourmet grocery store...one can only have been there! Thai food for lunch, yummy dinners cooked and laughter to be had. We took an overnight trip to Sedona. We enjoyed a few small easy hikes, as my energy allowed. Dinner was decided upon at Dahl & Deluca. Having been there before, I knew the dining experience would be exceptional. No better person to share such a experience with than Mickey. I am not sure who moaned over dinner more...Mick or me. Comment card was left behind completed by Mickey..."better than sex." Description complete.

2010 Holiday Season

2011-02-06T05:37:00.000-08:00

November was the countdown month for my last chemo treatment. Lucky me, two days before Thanksgiving! Mashed potatoes have never tasted better. As for turkey, anything in the poultry division was not on the palate of favorites during chemo. Tart cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes hit the spot.

John & Mom's table was wonderfully decorated to serve the army of a family and dearest of friends, Jen, Jose and Sofia.

December brought in the beginning of my radiation countdown. 5 days a week for 35 treatments. Little did I know how exhausting this would be.

Christmas angels were chosen off of the tree at the store and gifts were purchased. This is Rich and Maia's yearly tradition.

Christmas Eve was enjoyed at the Kondikoff's and Christmas Day was served up at The Reidinger's. Chase, Olivia and Maia had their Santa list fulfilled. Video games, Nintendo DS, American girl dolls, books, clothing, etc.

I wished I had a little more strength during the holiday season, but I came to terms with the fact it was OK if all the cookies did not get baked. It was OK if the whole house was not decorated, if I missed a few ribbons the world won't end. Tough choice for a perfectionist.

After going through this cancer crap twice, what matters the most is to be surrounded by those you love. There is nothing greater than time spent. The simple things in life will do.

As for New Year's Eve...in bed by 11:15...to tired for anything else. Happy New Year!

Angels among us

2011-02-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

While 3,000 people were walking 60 miles, I sat teary eyed in the sidelines with my own battle. I was not alone, as my mentor was also unable to walk. Linda Kacmarsky came into my life in 2008. She was the driving force behind Team W.I.S.H. This was her year to shine...One Million Dollars raised in seven years. Linda was unable to walk due to what doctors thought was gastroenteritis. Gastroenteritis would have been an easy cure.

Linda was diagnosed with cancer. This disease took her life on December 20th. Her husband Frank said it best, she got tired of waiting for a cure for Breast Cancer, so she wanted to have a one-on-one conversation with God.

It is difficult to write about someone that touched your life in so many ways. I miss her. She is an angel leading the way.

Come and gone

2011-02-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

I just realized it has been since October since I updated this blog. The intentions have been there, but time slipped by. I guess I should backtrack a few months.
November: Rich walked the 3 Day once again, while I watched the news snipits of the event by the recliner. I had planned to attend closing ceremonies, but chemo side effects told me differently. Rich, my mother and John(my fill in) enjoyed the 60 mile treck with "Flat Heather." For those of you with children and have ever had to do a "Flat Stanley" project, should understand.

My dear friend Julia came up with Flat Heather the night before the 3 Day. She took her everywhere...including the Port-A-Potty. She was bandaged, fed and tucked in at the end of the day. After the Arizona walk, she was then transported to the San Diego 3 Day. Flat Heather brought me many tears knowing she was surrounded by so much love. She made her final appearance on the evening news. Next year Flat Heather will look a little more inflated:)

My father and stepmother came to visit while the rest of the family was walking. I knew I would not be able to accomplish much, so the help was greatly appreciated. I was very nausiated from the chemo drugs. I was having issues with my port, so Karla spent the morning with me at the hospital until I could see the doctor. A few days later, my father took me back to the doctor to have my port removed. I ended up with a severe infection that almost left me septic. My father asked if they have a warrenty.....one could only wish.

My last round of chemo was done through a regular IV the week of Thanksgiving. One step down and one to go. Radiation began in December.

Days of Progression

2010-10-27T13:20:00.001-07:00

Mission of the Good Shepherd had a beautiful healing mass the other weekend. Father Mark gave a lovely sermon. We were surrounded by members of Team W.I.S.H., family and friends. It was emotionally uplifting as well as spiritually. It has taken me a long time to find a parish that feels like home and I think I have found it. It has given me enlightenment I have been seeking for a long time.

People have asked me what they say my prognosis is. Honestly I have not asked the question. I don't want someone to put a timeline on my life. When my time is to come, it will come. Until then, I take each day as it comes.

After my first chemo treatment, we knew they may have to change my drugs upon the report from TGen. They did. I am currently taking Adriomycin/Cytoxin. Radiation and chemo pills will still follow. Chemo treatment on the 12th landed me in the hospital with severe vomiting. This round on the 26th has been much better. I can no longer feel the 3 lymph nodes in my neck, so I feel the drugs are working. I have two more treatments to go. November 9th and 23rd.

I came to the realization I will not be walking the 3Day this year. This is such a triumphant year, it breaks my heart. John has been granted permission by the 3Day organization to walk in my place due to the circumstances. Once again, I cried. Something I can do a lot of these days. I plan on feeling well enough to attend closing ceremonies with my husband, mother, John and teammates. In seven years, Team W.I.S.H. has raised over 1 MILLION DOLLARS for Susan G. Komen.

So there is my update.

Down Time in San Diego

2010-10-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

We are rich. Not by large bank accounts or monetary possessions. We are rich with family, friends, employers and those people who have come into our lives for the very first time.

Before my lymph node surgery, Andy and Louise were kind enough to send us to San Diego for a few days of mental downtime. It was well needed for clarity. Rich and I spent the days walking La Jolla beaches and listening to the seals. Relaxing on Mission beach watching the dolphins in the distance. Ocean breezes clean the soul. We walked the street fair in downtown Little Italy. No time restrictions, no doctors to call...at least for a few days.

While sitting on Mission Beach, a couple placed their blanket down in front of us. She had a bandanna on her head and he had a pink ribbon bracelet on his wrist. "What are the odds in 50 miles of beach!", I thought to myself. We struck up conversation. She was 25 years old, avid runner, fitness guru. Doctors thought she pulled a muscle in her upper thigh. Cancer had spread from her breast to her lungs to her lymph nodes all down her leg. Her chemo regimen was something I could never even imagine. I was rich, to share stories with a perfect stranger and a conversation I will never forget.

Our employers have been so supportive, time off, food deliveries and just phone calls. It means the world to us.

Women I once gave advise to are now calling me to check in. I am taking new drugs, so side effects are different. We exchange notes, complaints and tears. There is no easy way through it. We have come full circle...once again.

Round 1 Chemo...trip to Seattle

2010-10-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

My cousin Paul and his fiance Tiffany were getting married in Seattle. I had my first chemo treatment 3 days before the wedding. I was determined to feel well enough to enjoy the wedding and spend time with my family.

The wedding was small and intimate. It was heartfully warming to see my family again all in one place. All the cousins children are growing up to become beautiful young ladies and lads. I miss girl talk and time with Christine. My aunt is also going through a battle with cancer, so we compared notes and tears. I wish I felt better to participate in more of the social chatting, but the hotel room had other plans for me. I was the bedwarmer for a few hours.

I managed to take some time with Mom, John, Jeremy and Jill along the Ballard Locks followed by a stupendous lunch at Anthony's on the water. Fish and chips like I have never tasted! Getting a craving now. The gardens surrounding the locks are so beautiful and the flowers so stunning and large.

We also took time and went to the Space Needle. It was a clear day and we had a view of the entire city and mountain ranges surrounding the area. After taking in the great views, I took a view of the toilet as the chemo kicked in. There ended my fun day. The rest of the gang headed out with the bride, groom and family for a winery tour. Yes, I skipped out on a winery tour. Enough said there.

I was really feeling under the weather(Seattle drizzly)Sunday morning, but I was determined to see Pikes Market. The flowers they sell are the largest flowers I ahve ever seen, and cheap. The lobster tails are larger than two hands! I am so glad I felt somewhat human to enjoy a 1/4 pound of dungenous crab meat and a few bites of buttery pastries. Jeremy was on a chowder hunt and I think he had his share. We enjoyed as much fish and chips and chowder as the body can allow.

This trip also gave quality time to spend with John and Mom, Jeremy and Jill. It was great to have John as a tour guide and listed to his "true story I tell ya"s. Many thanks to Mom and John for a great trip and great memories.

Here we go again...

2010-09-11T21:32:00.000-07:00

So here we go again. August 18th gave me life ticket I never wanted to get. My cancer has returned.

I found an inflamed lymph node along my collarbone. August 13th I met with my oncologist for my quarterly visit and he felt the same thing.

August 16th I had a PET scan and the findings showed three lymph nodes along my collarbone and a spot behind my breast bone.

August 17th I met with the breast surgeon. He did a needle biopsy of one of the nodes. August 20th confirmed cancer cells.

Flurry of emotions and knowing how chemo makes me feel is never welcome. I was also informed I will be needing radiation this time. This is a new realm for me. I researched the names given to me and have found the lady that will give me a sunburn.

Meeting with the radiation oncologist.....

After viewing my previous reports from my diagnosis two years ago, I did everything by the book. I am the less than 10% of the population that chemo did not kill the small cancer cell that lingered behind my breast.

She explained to me that 10 years ago when they did full radical mastectomies, that tiny node behind my chest most likely would have been found, but the tiny questionable lymph node under my arm would not have been detected. Technology over the past five years has given us sentinel node biopsy, which allowed us to find the tiny 4th lymph node under my arm two years ago. The activity in it was small, they could not even consider it a positive node.

More medical jargon...due to the grade of my tumors upon my original diagnosis, this is an aggressive cancer. I was Stage 2A(determined by my tumor size and small lymph node activity) with a Grade 3(3 is the highest) and the mitotic rate was a 9. I am also triple negative(Estrogen, Progesterone and Her2 negative). I knew from the beginning I may be faced with re-occurrence within the first three years.

My chemo and radiation are going to be very aggressive. I will be taking Carboplatin and Gemzar every two weeks for three sessions. Radiation will follow after the chemo regimen. I will be radiated twice a day for 3 1/2 weeks and chemo pills will be taken along with the radiation.

There it is...my ass getting kicked.

Expansion, mind over "matter"

2010-05-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the Canadians have a boob up on us? In Canada, after a woman has a mastectomy, they undergo treatment(chemo, radiation, etc). Once they are completed, women then go back in to have expanders put in their chest to stretch the muscle tissue. Once they are to the size they want, the expanders are removed and the implants are put in.

Canadian women have time to adjust to being "flat" chested. They have time to heal. Heal both physically and even emotionally. I wonder now if waiting is better. The body needs to heal. Tissue needs to regrow, regenerate. Emotionally a woman needs to accept her new body. Yes, the thought of "perky" crosses our minds, but have we really accepted our loss in such a short time between mastectomy and new boobs?

Cancer is battle. Get it done, get me through this, get me well. Make me look like a woman again!

Why am I writing this almost two years later? Understanding what I know now after two additional surgeries. Finding out a good friend is having the same problems I had after her implants were placed. Telling her that I know it is not easy. Crying because I know the pain and anguish she is facing. Wanting to get back to life without having to worry about another surgery. To look in the mirror naked without shaking our heads. Just make me whole again! I am not sure when the emotional turmoil goes away.

So does it matter? Before or after? I guess this is the question. Who ever thought a piece of plastic filled with fluid could cause distress? I would love to meet a few more Canadians. Maybe they have the answer to the questions.

Long time

2010-05-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

Guilty as charged. It has been a long time since I have updated this space. School is almost out of session, Rich is healing from his surgery(info to follow) and I have survived another visit to the oncologist.

Rich had another bought of diverticulitus, so they removed 8 inches of his intestine on April 30th. A few pounds lighter and a little less time for digestion:) He is healing well and will be returning to work next week.

We had a great visit with my father and stepmom this past weekend. There are so many wonderful places I would love to take them, but as I get older, it is great just to spend quality downtime with them. Maia and my niece and nephew really enjoy the time spent with them. It is the little things and the time together that mean the most.

My oncologist appointment went well. Normal routine of questions and bloodwork. So far no signs of reoccurance and I want to keep it that way.

I am looking forward to the end of June when friends return from Indonesia. Even though we skype, nothing beats a "good friend and a glass of wine"! Can't wait!

Fundraising for the 3 Day has begun. Walmart tables, fundraising events and training walks are scheduled. November will be here before we know it. More names to carry with me, will it ever end? More on the next blog.

Little One

2009-11-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

Jenn & Jose's precious little Sophia arrived on October 28th. She weighed in at 5 lbs. 10 oz and 19 inches long. Mom and Dad are both getting adjusted to parenthood. Do we ever really get adjusted?

We go from feeding every 2-3 hours and diaper changing to rolling around and sitting up. We master sitting up to crawling. Childproofing awaits. They walk, run and learn. We are their teachers...somehow we have now become the know-it-alls and the master of the question children all ask "why?"

You now have a better understanding of the circle of life. What more precious to pass the path onto, but a child.

Patiently Waiting....

2009-10-27T20:33:00.000-07:00

I guess I will not be getting any sleep tonight. Jenn called to tell me her water broke and they are on the way to the hospital. Baby "R" will be making her way into the world in a few hours. So here I am blogging to keep from pacing in excitement! You two will be fantastic parents.

Many years ago I found an incredible poem about childbirth. It is a poem I have never forgotten. Powerful...grab the tissues.

“A Child's Birth”

You learn a lot about living when a child is born.

You learn that pain can overwhelm and overtake and you wonder how your own mother survived.

You clench your fists and tear the sheets as life, entering life, tears your flesh.

And the moment you hold that tiny miracle, your heart rips open in a way you never knew before.

Your flesh will heal in time. You lie bleeding, not your flesh so much as your soul.

You know that every minute of every hour of every day you will be consumed with love.

And fear is the unwelcome guest that will ride upon love's new wings.

You touch your now-empty belly and mourn the life you once had all to yourself.

You hold this life, naked flesh to naked flesh. Nurse them to your breast,
rejoice that you can still provide what they need to survive....

You close your eyes and clutch their tiny fingers as they form to yours.

And in your heart you know that one day they will not be yours to hold
and you feel the tearing of your soul go even deeper.....

And again you wonder how your own mother survived.

How her sanity remained when her child was no more......

You learn a lot about living when a child is born.

— A poem by Delilah

11 Years

2009-10-18T13:57:00.001-07:00

Happy Anniversary! To my wonderful husband....we have endured our share of troubles and triumphs. There is no one I would rather spend my life with. I love you!

Counting down

2009-10-18T13:18:00.000-07:00

September has come and gone. I am grateful I can remember more of this year than last! The Breast Cancer 3 Day walk is a month away. I have had a few setbacks in my training. After battling fatigue, low grade fever and pelvic pain for 3-4 months, my appendix was taking out on the 9th. So with my tolerance being low, I was hit with the swine flu compliments of Maia. Feeling better each day, but I still get tired.

I may end up with a few more blisters than I was expecting, but I am looking forward to the event. Camera will be ready and tissues will be carried...maybe an entire box. My list of people I will carry with me keeps getting longer. I can no longer use two hands for the amount of people I know with breast cancer. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Please feel free to feel your boobies!

Rich's mission

2009-10-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

While I have been busy training for the Breast Cancer 3 Day, my husband has decided to train for a mini triathlon. With a good friend to push him to the limits....he ran, swam and biked his waistline off. His goal was to finish the event, even if it involved coming in last. He finish with lightning striking...literally! A storm blew in and the swimmers were asked to get out of the pool. After 3 months without a drop of booze, we celebrate at Legends. He can scratch this even off his bucket list. I can honestly say, this one is not on my list. My list involves no physical limitations....put me on a beach can keep the beverages flowing! I am proud of his accomplishment...did I mention he wants to do more? Now I am married to crazy!

Back to School

2009-10-18T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am catching up on the months I have slacked off on writing. The Wilmots are back in lovely Indonesia amongst the natives. I miss they already. They had a great trip to Italy while we were starting school. Maia started 2nd grade. It is amazing to see how much she had grown in just a year. She has not only grown in inches, but in maturity. Maia loves to read and loves her books. I don't ever remember being that enthused to read. Encyclopedia Britanica here we come!

Another Goodbye

2009-07-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if I will ever get used to the Wilmot's visiting and having to go back to Indonesia without me crying.

They arrived on Father's Day and left this evening. I guess there is never enough time with cherished friends. The "Bonnie" wine is gone, so I guess I should have known they would be heading back. The girls are "maturing" faster than we want to admit. Maia is not far behind. I look back at photos and see the "children" they were to the young adults they have become, Bonnie & John should be proud.

They are heading back to an unknown diplomacy of a third world country, Papau. I have more admiration for them than anyone I have ever known. It takes a certain person to move a family from "normalicy" to "WTF", is the only way to put it. The outlook on life of their children is completely unmeasured by any child raised here in the USA.

Break out the sarongs and koteka's....I love you!

Roots of Friendship

2009-07-28T21:13:00.000-07:00

A few months ago I wrote about a woman I met in the doctors office. She was just about to undergo a mastectomy. I can remember the fear in her eyes, as I once to had the same blank stare.

I received a telephone call from her after I met her. She just had her surgery and was full of questions. Jenny and I talked for quite awhile. While we chatted about cancer related topics, issues, etc, it seemed as if we had known each other forever. It was a comfort you find in lifelong friends. I have often thought maybe life works backwards. You meet people at their worst phases in life to have things only get better. I am looking forward to many shared times with Jenny and Mike. They are a remarkable couple! We thank the both of them for a wonderful time at the Keith Urban Concert.

July Birthday's

2009-07-28T21:05:00.001-07:00

Since Shelby turned a year on July 1st and Rich's birthday is the 3rd, we had one celebration. Shelby enjoyed her cupcake and Rich's face enjoyed the birthday cake. The kids get a blast out of squishing Rich's face in his birthday cake. They look forward to it every year.

We were delighted to have Bonnie, Kate and Sydney be there as well. They arrived back in the states on Father's Day. Thank goodness for skype or I would have forced her to take a weekend away to catch up.

Fundraising

2009-07-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Since Rich and I signed to walk the 3 Day, fundraising has begun. I have been lucky enough to reach my goal. Anthem Mobil 1 has once again stepped forward to do car shows, Save the Boobs was a hit and we are also collecting in front of Walmart at Happy Valley and Anthem over the summer months. The economy has hit everyone hard, but cancer has no economy. We thank each of you for all the support you have given us. The next large fundraiser will be October 3, 2009 at Ironwood Golf Course in Anthem. Hope to see you all there!

Dad & Karla's Visit

2009-07-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

School is out and the grandparents came to visit. The kids enjoyed time with Nana & Pop-pop. Chase, Rich and Dad took a few hours at the gun range to test out a few guns. Nana took time to read and play games with the girls.

We sat poolside and watched the kids try to drown Pop-pop...always good for a few laughs! It was even funnier trying to watch Dad attempt to get on an innertube...love you Dad!

Dad and Karla treated us to a spectacular dinner at Roy's. The food, drinks and desserts were scrumptious(not that I am partial). After dinner we wandered around the resort to burn off calories!

All I feel we do is eat on vacations...isn't that what they are for? Jeremy and Jill cooked up a killer dinner on Sunday night. Filets are best done by Jer! Yummy!

Celebrity Fight Night

2009-07-28T20:13:00.001-07:00

I rarely get the chance for many once in a lifetime experiences. Rich and I had our moment the end of March. I attended Celebrity Fight Night at the Marriott. John Bon Jovi was the headlining act, but the other musician were just as remarkable. All the proceeds from the even go toward the Mohamad Ali Parkinson's foundation. Reba was the MC for the evening. David Foster, Kurt Warner, Jordan Sparks, Forest Whittaker are just to name a few of the participants.

Afer the show was over, we headed back to Roy's for a post party. There is were I experienced my husband speechless and drooling for the first time. His dream came true to meet Reba. Christopher Rich, Melissa Peterman and Josh Groban were also there to socialize. I can't even put into words the evening we had, but we will cherish it forever. Thank you Bob!!

Mother's Day

2009-07-28T20:04:00.000-07:00

Looking back at last Mother's Day, I was laying in bed wishing for death. This year I enjoyed a wonderful Mother's Tea at the school with Maia. She made an adorable bonnet and served great desserts. The children then did a skit about Mom's and sang a few cute songs. I was glad to be able to enjoy such an wonderful day.

I spent the rest of Mother's Day with my mother, Jill and Sue. We spent the day doing facials, pedicures and manicures. We made face masks out of yogurt, cucumber & mint. Soaked our footsies in buttermilk, lavender and grape seed oil. And then soaked in lavender infused Epsom salts....can you say no stress! The men cooked us a fabulous fillet mignon dinner and dessert. A great ending to a Spabulous day!

7 Year's

2009-07-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

Maia turned the big 7 on April 21st! Rich and I took Maia and Olivia to Sweet& Sassy to celebrate. They received the full pampering. Pedicures, foot rubs, sparkles. They felt like queens. We then went to Sauce for a yummy dinner and ended the night with the request of Dip-N-Dots. They are growing to fast!

Birthday in PA

2009-07-28T19:21:00.001-07:00

Yep, March 16th...I made it to 37!

Maia and I headed back to PA to visit my Dad and many missed friends. Gina, Terri, Chris, Liz Kathy and I enjoyed our garlic fest at Paolo's in Northampton. God I miss good Italian food!! What I really miss is the camaraderie. Stuffed and smelling like garlic, we headed to the Legion where time stood still. Conversations carried on as if I left PA last week. Bridgett and Butch are still heartwarming as ever. We reminisced about the old days and the craziest of times. Jimmy and Greg bicker like they were brothers...nothing a few shots won't cure! I wish I could transport them all to Arizona.

Terri and I took a drive to Schaeffer's Harley Davidson to say hello to Sven. He had no idea I was stopping by, so he was really surprised. Terri and I then decided to indulge ourselves with a cheesesteak at the Port Clinton Hotel. It was the biggest steak sandwich I have ever seen! Washed it down with a cold Yuengling...ahhhhh.

The following day I drove to New Jersey to see the Reidinger clan. The Reidinger children have grown! The last time I saw them they were all babies. They have all turned out to be beautiful young tweens. This was the first time Maia was able to meet the entire family. It was a great time for all of us. Cousin Richard and Aunt Stephanie even drove in for a visit. I must say...it was great to indulge in great Italian food...thank you Lisa and Scott for your hospitality. I wish we could all be closer, but we cherish the time we spent.

Sunday I spent time at the Adam's house. I really enjoyed just hanging with friends, laughing and catching up. Especially after a long year prior. Gina outdid her self with a great chicken dish...still waiting for the recipe!!! Maia and Maddy played until they dropped.

Not that I can ever get enough Italian food....Dad and Karla took us for dinner at their favorite restaurant. Maia had the experience to see REAL pizza being made. I had the indulgence of garlic once again......no vampires on this trip!

We spent the remaining days just hanging out with Dad and Karla. Maia climbed trees, not cacti. Nana let her drive the tractor and feed the fish. Fresh air will make you sleep like a baby before heading home.

Did someone mention Italian food?

Crazy!

2009-03-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy week! Rich ended up in the hospital. They removed his appendix, but the main culprit is diverticulitis. He is enjoying the king size bed all alone. My turn to sleep in the spare room.

Rich and I both joined to walk the 60 Mile Breast Cancer 3 Day. You can view my page on the right side. We will be walking with the members of Team W.I.S.H. We have many people we are walking for, in memory of and honor of. Elsie Toplak, Jan Toplak, Mary Ann Nicholas, Karla Tesch, Jennifer Slettebo, Sherry Cameron, Jamie Bravo are just to name a few. I am sure by November, this list will have grown.

I met with the breast surgeon on Friday. I will never need a mammogram or ultrasound since the tissue that is left is above my implant. Should I have a re-occurance, I will be able to feel the nodule by self exam.

Maia enjoyed her first Harley ride the other afternoon. Our neighbor, Todd, took Maia around the block. The last time I saw her smile that big was when she met the Princess' at Disney. Harley mama in the making....that's my girl!

Year in the Making

2009-02-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

I sat in the plastic surgeons office yesterday and next to me was a woman with a complete glazed look over her face. She was reading an informative book the doctor had on the table. I commented to her that the book had great information in it. She responded, "It is a lot to absorb." She was having her mastectomy today. You don't forget the feeling of horror or the unknown. I can pass along hope and encouragement to someone new to the journey.

I toasted this evening with making it to my one year mark. As a Breast Cancer survivor, your first five years are your "danger zone" I hope the next four years go by as fast as this one did. I hope to remember the next four years a little better!

I have taken time to read. I have chosen books that are inspirational. I have found meditation to sooth the mind and calm the emotions. Time for ourselves is always needed and we often loose sight of our sense of "self".

Maia and I will be going back to Pennsylvania in March to see Dad & Karla. I am looking forward to seeing family and friends. My taste buds are seeking as many cheesesteaks and Yuenglings as they can handle! A possible garlic fest at Paolo's is also a requirement. The foods we miss.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T15:33:00.000-08:00

February 14, 2009....One year ago today I was lying on a table having a biopsy on my breast.

I have made it to my one year mark, actually it is the 18th, but a few days short to celebrate is ok in my book!

We are going to enjoy the evening with family and fondue! Love fondue!

Happy Valentine's Day to all.

Marble Canyon Mecca

2009-02-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

Rich and I rescheduled our trip to Vegas for another time. We packed the car and headed 4 hours to Northern Arizona to Lees Ferry/Marble Canyon. The weather was perfect for hiking on Friday and Saturday.

Before you get to the lodge, you must cross the Navajo Bridge. We parked the car and walked the old bridge that connects the gorge. A view of the Colorado River 475 feet below is not for the weak. The silence of the area left you listening to the river below. We were not fortunate enough to see the California Condors that live in the area. A couple we spoke with said seven of them like to sit on the bridge. Bummer.

We checked into the Cliff Dwellers Lodge. Stunning views of the Vermillion Cliffs. The rooms were clean,spacious and a great rate ($55 a night). The lodge caters to fly fisherman, so the front of the lodge by the end of the day is wader drying heaven.

The restaurant at the lodge is awesome. Rich had the best ribs ever! The ahi salad was a real treat. You have two food choices in this area. Cliff Dweller Restaurant or the Lees Ferry Motel. They cater to fisherman, hikers and any other crazy outdoors person you may encounter. The food must be good for the outdoors man type. The service was great and the company in the 8 table restaurant was friendly.

We hiked Lonely Dell Ranch on Saturday afternoon. The Loney Dell was home to families that operated Lees Ferry. It was really remarkable to think people lived in the surroundings the area posed. About a mile behind the ranch is Paria Canyon. It offers spectacular views of red rock along the river bed.

After our hiking, we stopped by the Lees Ferry Motel for some lunch. The husband and wife team working in the restaurant were so pleasant. They love the area and homeschool all three of their children. Their children have great opportunities to work with the river guides and anglers in the area. What an experience. Food and company were so welcoming, we decided to have dinner their as well. Two ribeye dinners please! They gave us a tour of the Lees Ferry Motel. The rooms were so cute. It is a definite stay then next time we venture north.

The silence of the canyon at night is soothing. We had almost a full moon to view, so it made stargazing a little difficult. The moon reflecting on the cliffs was something out of a movie.

As much as we wanted to hike on Sunday, snow on the cliffs left us wondering what the drive home would be like. It rained until we reached Flagstaff. Then the snow fell, and fell and fell. My last driving experience in snow was....was....was....11 years ago. I must say, it looked lovely, but I don't miss shoveling it or driving in it.

We made it home and refreshed. View the photos for yourself and image the silence.

Cut!

2009-02-14T13:26:00.000-08:00

It has been at least a year since my last haircut and color. I guess the time has come to get rid of the skunk look.

The days of showering without shampoo, throwing on a bandana and being ready in a half hour are over. I had to buy a few styling products. I gave the ones I had away months ago.

Going from having no hair to hair has its own irony. I was worried about dying my hair a different color than before. Does it really matter...I had no hair! Hair color is like bandanas...they can be changed. A good friend of mine told me I should have dyed my hair pink...there are exceptions to the rule. I told her, "You first!"

Here are a few things to ponder:

1. Cowlicks are like the little tiny hairs that form on your bald head and poke out in the strangest places.
2. Hair product are cheaper than Mach 3 razorblades. And last longer.
3. Bald is beautiful....you never feel beautiful with a bad hair day.
4. If you don't like the cut, it grows back.
5. If you don't like the color, change it.
6. New hair growth is as soft as a babies.
7. Learn to wear hats, they protect your head and save the life of your hair color.
8. Never wonder why a woman wears her hair so short, she may have new growth from months of chemo.
9. If you ever have to be bald, let your kids color on your head. It makes a great message board. Washable markers only please.
10. Many consider their hair a part of vanity, vanity starts from within.

Getting closer...

2009-01-26T14:21:00.000-08:00

It has been a few weeks since my fix it surgery. So far, cross your fingers, everything is healing well. I really hope this is the end of the surgical road. I had a few days of feeling a little down, but now that the drugs are out of me I am feeling a little better.

I had to purchase a few new bras to "support" the surgical procedure. Ask any woman who has had reconstruction about cup sized. You may need the larger size, but you no longer have the "sag" to fill the cup. They need to make larger bras, with the fullfilling roundness without the droopy cup syndrom. Task was not easy. For those of us with this problem, Vanity Fair seemed to be the best fit.

I have read a few wonderful books over the past few months. I highly recommend "The Shack". Jenn had given it to me for Christmas after a brief discussion about wanting to read it. It was incredible. A must read for anyone questioning the reasons of life. I couldn't put it down. I also finished "Roadkill on the Highway to Heaven" and "Dear God I am not Superwoman". I need to return a few books to Jenn's library and check out a few more. A friend of mine recommended Eat, Pray and Love. I picked it up at the library and will start that this evening. I have never been an avid reader, but I found it to be relaxing. Yes, relaxing, something Rich tells me I don't know how to do.

We have all been battling colds. Rich first, passed it to me and now Maia is sniffly. Vicious circle of bugs!

Rich and I will be heading to Vegas for a few days in February. Hooters Hotel has great rates, two nights for about $100. Can't beat it. We are going to meet up with a lifelong friend, Sven, for dinner at the Rio. I have never been to the Rio, so it should be fun. Good food and friends is always comforting.

We will also be cheering on the Arizona Cardinals as they head to Tampa for Superbowl on February 1st!

Little Droopy...

2009-01-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

The new year has begun! I took time the other day to start a tedious project of going through my recipes, and put them in a binder. My recipe box was overflowing. I finished the project this afternoon. What a sigh of relief. I found a few good ones I forgot all about. Sometimes reorganization can spark the taste buds!

Weightloss is also on the list. Ten pounds is always the hardest. I was hoping to start yoga again, but that may be put on hold. I will have to stick to walking for now.

I went to the plastic surgeon this morning. My right side is still being stubborn. The pocket the implant is in had decided not to want to hold. The alloderm strip they placed in the cavity back in October has healed. It is the area under the alloderm strip that is not holding. So, I will be undergoing another outpatient procedure either this week or next week. Needless to say, I am a little droopy on my right side. My left profile was my better side anyway!

Pointer for woman...even with medical assistance, one side will always need a little help. Gravity will never be our friend!

Prayers of Friendship

2008-12-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

I was blessed on May 12, 2008 to have met Karla Tesch. She and I met at a Look Good Feel Better program sponsored by the American Cancer Society. Karla and I had decided on the same chemo treatment. We spent many hours on the phone conversing about the side effects we were each enduring. Her biggest pet peeve...crooked wigs.

Karla and her husband are the most devout Christians I have ever met. I do believe she was placed into my life to help me find my spiritual side. Sometimes when you have nothing else to go on, you need to find faith. She was loving, funny and most of all, calming.

Karla's health took a turn over Christmas. She passed away on Monday afternoon. Her husband, Jack, spoke with me on Monday night. She went peacefully. It was their 39th wedding anniversary on Monday. Jack shared with me that every year they renew their wedding vows. She was able to find the strength to renew their vows during her last moments. Love and faith conquer all.

May you find peace and comfort from above. You will be missed.

Time to Celebrate

2008-12-30T15:29:00.001-08:00

The Thanksgiving Turkey has been eaten, along with the leftovers and Santa Clause has come and gone. Shopping and wrapping were finished prior to Christmas Eve, so it made the holidays not so stressful.

Maia and I attended Christmas Eve mass with Rich. After the service we headed to the Kondikoff's for Eve festivities.

Maia slept until almost 8:00 in the morning, which is remarkable for a child knowing Santa came the night before! I was fighting off a bug, so I was a little under the weather on Christmas Day. Maia enjoyed her videos, baby dolls and WII games. Santa was good to Rich and I as well. Maia gave him the watch he sent to have repaired a few months back. It was his father's, so the sentimental value was gracious. We enjoyed the rest of Christmas Day at John & Mom's.

This season also gave me time to wonder where the past year has gone. Many of the months are foggy, but I think it is the body's way of dealing with pain. I spent the beginning of December with a major case of depression. I figured it may have happened sooner or later, but not the way I expected it. There are times in your life when you need to bite the bullet and seek help. I guess there is no better time than the present. I spent the past nine months running on survival mode, but never took the time to deal with the emotional side of cancer. It caught up to me. We all know how to grieve for the loss of a parent, friend and even pet. No one ever tells us how to grieve for ourselves. We think of it as being selfish and we can deal with it on our own. Grief will get you when you least expect it.

It was an eye-opening experience. I spent many hours with therapists and have a much better understanding. I wish I would have had the tools and information months ago...it would have saved my sanity!

We are looking forward to a New Year and a new life beginning. The small things in life have become wondrous. Time for ourselves in needed and it is ok to leave the dishes in the sink.

Holiday Visits

2008-12-03T20:15:00.001-08:00

The weeks have gone by and the holidays are among us. Rich's father, Joseph, came to visit for Thanksgiving. Rich, Maia, Joe and Mary(Rob's mom) made a 13 hour drive to visit frigid Colorado. Maia enjoyed time with Crissy, Rob and her niece, Shelby. Rich was happy to have four generations together for a few photos. They ventured to the "North Pole" to check on Maia's Christmas list. It was the 2nd time in Maia's life she touched snow!

The family made it home just in time to get ready for Turkey Day. The turkey was perfect and so was the company. The entire family was here and our dear friends, Jenn & Jose, survived another holiday with us. Love you both!

We spent the following days after Thanksgiving dragging out the Christmas decorations. The tree is up and decorated, the lights are hanging on the outside of the house and Maia is patiently waiting to decorate the gingerbread house I purchased. We have a few holiday parties to attend this weekend. And the season begins...

3 Day Affair

2008-11-17T20:15:00.000-08:00

Walkers from all over the country came to Phoenix for a great cause....to bring awareness to Breast Cancer. Rich was one of those walkers...he walked for his mother, his sister and me. He was asked to carry a flag during opening and closing ceremonies. He did not turn that opportunity down! Thousands of people, but Team W.I.S.H. stands out, neon green. As flags were placed to the East, the sun was cresting over the hill as the walkers started their 3 Day journey through a set of inspirational flags. A full moon was in the sky to the west. Perfect way to begin a long 60 miles. Maia and I joined a large group of supports on Saturday at a cheering station along the route. People dressed up, made signs, drove by waiving pink flags, cars adorned with ribbons for the Cause. It was great motivation for the weary cause setters!

The camp area was for crew mates and walkers only. Rich was asked to give a speech on Saturday evening. In a sea of pink tents and in front of 3,000 walkers, he spoke from the heart.

Sunday afternoon arrived and so did Rich with a twisted ankle. He managed to make it 60 miles without a problem. He twisted it about a mile from the stadium. He was determined to make it into the stadium and carry his flag for closing ceremonies. I did not make the 60 mile journey this year. The emotion standing on the field was incredible. Energy, exhaustion, commitment and sorrow could be felt standing there. Crew members enter the stadium followed by walkers. The area in front of the stage was filled. Survivors filled the center circle. In the midst of energy and emotion, one shoe is taken off by the walkers and held in the air. Amazing symbolism..

Rich was the last flag to take the stage. Maia and I followed and took our place next to him along with the other guests. Looking out into a crowd of people is very overwhelming. Fulfillment is to see neon green shirts amongst the crowd. With all but one flag presented, survivors in the center circle raised the last flag. Let's find the cure

Not our choice

2008-11-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

I spent this afternoon with a young woman I met while in chemo. She called me late last night to tell me she was in the hospital due to respiratory problems. I could hear in her voice last night she just needed someone to talk to. I went to the hospital to see her this afternoon. She was so delighted to see a visitor, someone to relate to, someone to talk with. She and her family have basically nothing and earn below poverty level. She has struggled to balance health and home, but health is slowly deteriorating. Heartbreaking.

The smile that came to her face when she saw me was like no other. It seemed as if a twinkle of hope sparked her from within. The realization of cancer is it does not matter what you do for a living, what you earn, how you live...all fears are the same. As a mother, we want our children to be cared for. As a spouse, we want our spouses to know we appreciate all they do while we are feeling ill. As a patient, we want to know we are going to be in good hands of doctors. I thank the wonderful nun that came to visit her today. Sister Gabriella has a family that will be adopting her family over the holiday season. God has worked miracles again. I hope he can work a miracle for her recovery.

On my drive home today, I planned on contacting a woman I met at the Look Good Feel Better Class. Karla is an amazing woman. She and I were at the opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to hair, but her determination and humor kept her going. I wish we had more opportunities to meet, but our surgical/chemo schedules left them to phone conversations.

I got home today, unloaded my stuff, played the answering machine, dug for my phonebook to call Karla. On my machine was a message from her husband, letting me know the cancer spread to her liver. My heart dropped. I sat down and realized this is not our choice of illness, but it is our choice to survive. I pray for her treatment to be successfull.

Start your engines...

2008-11-10T19:55:00.000-08:00

NASCAR weekend rolled into Phoenix. Rich and I headed out to PIR for another enjoyable NASCAR weekend. I had got upclose with Clint Boyer and had him autograph my jacket. My Pop-Pop was a huge racing fan, so I take his jacket to every race. Our seat were between the start/finish line and turn one...so we had a great view of the track. A few rain drops and high winds made it a little chilly, but it was a great race. Jimmy Johnson took the checker, so I was happy! The look on Maia's face was even better when she saw the photo above. This is as close as I will ever get! Can't wait until April!

Walking beside me...

2008-11-10T19:23:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I took part in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. The relay started at 6PM and went until 6 AM( I made it until about 3 AM and crashed!) The theory behind the walk is "cancer does not sleep." Then again, neither do the patients going through chemo...damn steroids!

Survivors(in the photo is Karen, myself and Linda) had the honor to walk the first lap around the track, families join for the send lap and remainder of participants join for the third lap. Around 10PM, the luminary ceremony took place. Luminaries could be purchased, decorated in memory of a loved one, lit and are placed around the inside track. In the grandstands, they spell out "Hope & Cure" with plain luminaries. It looked beautiful. Rich and I purchased two, one in memory of his mother and one in memory of my grandmother.

When I was about six or seven, I had an autograph book I got at Disney World. My Grams had written a poem in the book. Years ago, I took the poem from my long kept autograph book, and put it in a frame. It has remained either next to my bed or my dresser for many years. I have never seen the poem written in any book, nor have I heard it spoken. It is very dear to me.

Upon walking the luminaries lap, a gentleman took the stand to explain this was a time to remember those lost and those still battling. He began with the wonderful poem my Grams had written in my autograph book. I burst into tears. With goosebumps down my body, standing motionless, I knew she was with me. Never doubt your angels, they show up when you least expect it, or when you need them the most.

Veteran's Day

2008-11-10T19:03:00.000-08:00

It was a beatiful weekend to honor our Veterans. Maia's Tae Kwon Do class was a part of the community festivities. Jill, Chase and Olivia had the honors of riding in the Wells Fargo Stagecoach. Post parade activities included a community "picnic", music by Chase's school chorus, military flyover and helicopter tours. The weather was perfect...great day for a parade!

Recovering Gracefully

2008-10-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

The surgery on Thursday went well. It was a short procedure, wheeled in at 9 AM and was in recovery by 10 AM. A strip of Alloderm was inserted into my right breast. My tissue will heal with the Alloderm and make my skin a little stronger.
I was a little queasy from the Demerol and the ride home was painful. Once again, bathing is challenging. I can't get the bandage wet until I see the doctor on Wednesday. Aggrivation for the next week!

On Wednesday, Roy's had their annual Ohana Tour. The tour is a what most of us would consider a town hall meeting. CEO, Mark Running, and director of training, Leila Whatoff, are the annual hosts. I was finally able to thank Mark personally for all his/Roy's support throughout the past months. I cannot give enough thanks to my boss, Bob, as well. I am proud to be part of such a warm and caring ohana. I also owe Marissa many kudos for picking up the slack while I was out. She did a great job keeping the office organized and my job as simple as it could be upon my return. Debbie..thanks for your patience many miles away! We survived.

Not so easy

2008-10-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

After having a wonderful weekend of relaxation, followed by great friends and family, I came to a screaching halt on Monday morning.

I went back to the doctor to have the incision in my right breast checked. This was a follow-up visit from the infection I had last week. The doctor looks at it and tells me the tissue is not thick enough on the right side. They need to go in and insert a piece of "cadaver" tissue so my tissue has something to adhere to. WHAT? I don't care about the cadaver part, I am a donor myself, but I was not expecting to have to go under the knife again. My question was "when do we do this"....answer...tomorrow.

This tissue will work like a retaining wall. My tissue is not strong enough to support what is there, so my incision can burst at any time. My tissue with adhere to the cadaver piece to strengthen the area. I can visualize myself walking down the street.....What was that, oh nothing, just my boob laying on the ground. And before I was worried about nipples falling off!

Scoreboard is as follows: Left side Cancer. Healed fine.
Right side cancer free. Feels left out and want attention and a piece of someone else. Scorekeeper...waiting final match!

Let me just say...thank God for Versaid!

Dinner at Mom's

2008-10-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

Or so I thought....my husband and family were up to no good. I walked into Mom's to be greeted by a "Surprise". Shocked the hell out of me. Rich had put together a "kicked cancers ass" celebration. It was a great evening with a great bunch of people. Love you all!

Weekend to Relax

2008-10-13T21:02:00.000-07:00

We all look at life and see how quickly it goes by. On the 18th, Rich and I will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary. Rich surprised me with a weekend away in Sedona. We left on Friday and returned on Sunday.

We spent Friday just walking around the town of Sedona browsing the shops. No child to worry about and no time to keep. Rich found a really nice pair of cowboy boots...he can't have them until Christmas. We wanted to find someplace different to eat, so we settled on the Barking Frog. As we pulled in the parking lot, we realized it was the same place Chrissy and Rob had their wedding reception...the old Casa Ricon. Food was great and ambiance was wonderful.

Saturday we decided to tackle a hike to Devil's Bridge. I was not sure how far I would be able to go, but determination kept me going. The views along the trail were breathtaking. The weather was perfect, crisp and cool. The last portion of the trail was a little rocky and upward. The natural bridge was stunning. I took the short path over to the beginning of the bridge and made my way out onto the top portion. I thought of my father(who is deathly afraid of heights) as I was standing on the top wanting to look down. What a rush! I was so glad I did not decide to turn around and head back to the car. Determination won again.

Rich and I headed back to the hotel in the afternoon to get cleaned up for dinner. We stopped at Chapel of the Rock before dinner and experienced a stunning sunset. The weather was rather windy and cold, but a sunset in Sedona is worth seeing.

Rich made reservations at Dahl & Deluccas for dinner. We had the pleasure of meeting the owner before dinner in the wine shop next door to the restaurant. Dinner was impeccable! I can't even go into detail or I will begin to drool. Highly recommended!

Sunday morning we took a short hike through Oak Creek Canyon and stopped at Tuzigoot National Monument. Rather impressive set of ruins outside of Clarksville. They had rooms with a view...even hundreds of years ago!

After a trek through Tuzigoot...we headed back to Anthem to have dinner at Mom's, or so I thought.....

Unknown Part II

2008-09-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

It has been almost six months to the day I had my mastectomy. Waking tomorrow, I will have my final phase of this battling process. So, this evening I ponder the thought of what my body will look like this time when I wake up. I will awake with boobs. What if I don't like the shape or size? What if they feel funny? The expanders in my chest hurt some days, will the actual implants hurt? Such questions to consider...womanhood!

I must give many heartfelt prayers to the women I have met who are not this far and still have a long way to go in their recovery process. We all have our own stories and timelines. We met due to an unpredictable circumstance, but we become stronger by those who have entered our lives due to the unknown. We can share our stories and never feel envy, jealousy or comparison. We know this is where our own paths may go, so we absorb it, learn from it and pray for health.

I can come home tomorrow and tell Maia that Mom's hard chest has been replaced and prove to her the new ones are not "long and squishy!"

Getting back to normal

2008-09-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been a few weeks since I have updated the site. The family took a short trip the other weekend to Lynx Lake in Prescott Valley. Maia has never slept in a tent, so we opted for one overnight stay at a campsite. We rented a boat and enjoyed some time on the lake. Maia was not to happy when the boat rocked the slightest bit. It was "freaking me out", as Maia would say.

Behind the dam is a short hiking trail that runs along the creek. We took a short hike to the bottom to try to pan for gold. I decided to take off my sandals and put my feet in the water. Upon slipping on a rock, I fell butt first into the creek up to my armpits it the water. It was rather hilarious. The softball size bruise on by butt cheek did not find it quite as funny.

The evening was splendid. We took a short hike around the lake, went back to camp and cooked a few marshmallows. Great ending to a perfect day. I can't wait until the weather cools off to take a few more hiking trips.

I forgot how much solitude lies within the forest. Crisp pine air, thousands of stars and even a crescent moon. And the hoot of an owl to make it surreal. Natures therapy.

Belated Birthday

2008-08-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Many long awaited months have passed to celebrate a wonderful birthday dinner. My father and stepmother sent my brother and I a gift certificate for a lobster dinner.

The chemo drugs are slowly diminishing and my tastebuds are back....no better time than the future than to enjoy a wonderful meal. And a wonderful meal it was!

We ordered four, five pound lobsters. They were delivered around 2:45 Friday afternoon. Maia was freaking out everytime she heard the claws scratch against the box. Neither Chase, Oliva or Maia wanted to hold them. I guess in a childs eyes they can be scary looking.

I borrowed a restaurant size pan to cook them in...two at a time. The first two went in without hesistation. Lobby number 3 felt obligated to try to jump out of the pan. It would not have been so bad, but the pot of butter(which was turned off by now...all 3lbs) was sitting next to the lobster pot. A small bit of water hit the pan of butter and eruption occured! Butter, butter and more butter everywhere! Clean up later...time to eat!

Living in Arizona, we enjoy lobster when we can. The proper instruments to eat lobster are hard to come by. Hammers, plyers and wooded skewers work just fine to pick a lobster. Rich and Jeremy broke, twisted, cracked and pryed every morsel of meat for the rest of us to chow on!

Messy, messy and more messy...but every bite was enjoyed. And every bite will be remembered. The left overs...yes, we had leftovers....have been frozen for the next dinner of lobster bisque.....pounds of it.

So thank you again Dad and Karla, we enjoyed every moment.

Now it is time to call Merry Maids for the clean-up committee.

Final Countdown...

2008-08-04T13:44:00.000-07:00

I have made it to the end. My last chemo session! I walked out of my oncologists office and cried. Cried as a sign of relief, cried for the unknown of the next five years, but most of all cried out from victory. Victory to say I am a survivor.

I can soon start to enjoy walking at lengths again. I can drop the ten pounds steroids have given me! I can finish the scrapbook I started without feeling "foggy". I can deal with what God puts in front of me. I can support others. Most of all, I can make a difference.

I will have my official celebration when the side effects of this last treatment have subsided. I have been patiently waiting to indulge in a lobster dinner from my father and stepmother. I can't think of an easier way to celebrate!

Aunt at 6

2008-07-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

Maia is happy to announce she is an Aunt! Christine and Rob are the proud parents of Shelby Lee. She was born on July 1st. Weighing in at 5lbs 4oz. She is still in the hospital, but getting stronger every day. Get ready for sleepless nights!

5 O'Clock Now Where??

2008-07-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

There is a wonderful place in our neighborhood called the Eccentric Gourmet. Phil is such a pleasure to speak with, always smiling. He knows your likes/dislikes in wine. He is the man to go to for food pairings. Lets not forget his wonderful wife Linda. Sweet, sincere and genuinely kind. It has been a great place to grab a glass of unique wine, a great cheese plate and have good conversation without "bar" atmosphere. Phil's is a neighborhood institution!

I needed a few refills on my olive oil and balsamic vinegar collection. So, off to Eccentric Gourmet I went. Bottles in hand, I walk in to find Phil his happy go lucky normal self and Linda rearranging shelf items. The shelves seemed a little barren, so I asked if they were restocking. Not really. All that I keep hearing is "No, we are closing." My mouth could have swallowed the earth at that point. I said to the woman sitting next to me, "This is about as upsetting as the day I found out I have cancer!"

To Phil and Linda....you have brought people together by common interest, quest for good wine. You have become a staple to our vocabulary that will not be erased. May your endeavors be true to your heart and your hands never have an empty glass......Cheers!

Bras for Flip-flops

2008-07-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

As the 4th of July weekend is underway, so are the sales. There are only a few styles my body can accommodate at this point in time. Frustration, you bet. I can shop for items that can be worn from the waist down. I have given up trying on shirts other than tees. Sun dresses...gave up. Fitted, pleated, cropped blouses.....out of the question. The expanders in my chest are starting to show, but not the way the permanent implants will. I feel like I am wearing hockey pucks in my chest.

I have traded shopping for shirts into shopping for shoes. Coldwater Creek had a smoking sale on the cutest flip-flops. So since I can't buy bras for my chest, I guess I can buy bras for my feet!

10,000 miles to tears

2008-06-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

As quoted by Sue Monk Kidd: "...I can't tell you who I am without telling you who my girlfriend is. Our relationships with other woman are a part of the ground of our being. So I can't say who I am without talking about my female friend and who she is in my life."

I sat by the pool today thinking about a cherished friendship that is about to move from 25 feet to 10,000 miles to Indonesia. Bonnie and I met when Mom was building her home here in Anthem. Our friendship came easy, as true friendships should. Our children have spent the years growing up together. Bonnie's attitude is like mine....what you see is what you get. You will never question where you stand with her. She will give you the advise you never want to hear and love her for it. She is honest, stubborn, independent and caring. She is a friend every woman should have...if you can handle complete honesty. I adore her honesty.

We have laughed, cried, bitched and moaned.....and wined. And I mean WINED. We wined while laughing, crying, bitching & moaning. Good wine, bad wine....wine, wine, wine.

Bonnie, John, Kate & Syndey are a second family. Maia has never had to "miss" anyone other than Nana & Pop-pop. She told me tonight that she is sad they are moving. The best explanation I could tell a six year old......"It is Ok to miss someone. It just means you love and care about them." Little does Maia know how it breaks my heart to see them go.I will not give the Wilmot's a "goodbye", but rather a "I will see you soon." I can guarantee over the next few weeks enough tears will be shed to make a new ocean.

Stayaway Weekend

2008-06-29T20:33:00.000-07:00

High gas prices seem to have kept many people staying closer to home. We are one of those families. We went to Cave Creek/Carefree for an overnight stay at the Carefree Resort. To make the weekend more enjoyable, KMLE Country Radio station was also at the resort. We participated in ping pong ball pickup competitions, frozen tee shirt contests (children were present.....to rectify.....you had to pry apart the frozen tee and put it on) and a scavenger hunt. The scavenger hunt paid off...we won the grand prize. Three tickets to Professional Bull Riding finals in August, a road trip guide and a Microsoft GPS System. Maia enjoyed roasting smores by the fire. Following sticky faces and fingers was a old western gunfight. Great time to stay away!

Rebirth as an Adult

2008-06-18T20:50:00.000-07:00

I wrote this in my journal on April 22, after we shaved my head.

Looking in the mirror after shaving your hair is rather shocking. It left me with the same feeling after I gave birth to Maia. You spend months doing everything you can to protect the child growing inside of you. The hours you spend running your hands over your belly, knowing it is your childs shelter. Then, overnight, your hands run over a flat surface that once protected everything you once and prayed for to be healthy. Your child is now in the open and all you can do is hope and pray the choices you make will be the best.

You run you hands over the hair that once protected you. The hair is gone, but your body is the shelter that you now pray will turn out for the best. It is the shelter that houses the love, nerves, laughs and cries visible to the world. What is inside is the making of the child. The inner child you learn to know all over again.

Decision to blog

2008-06-18T20:31:00.000-07:00

While driving to my 4th chemo treatment, the inspiration to do this webpage came from a friend and coworker in Tampa, Debbie. She shared her pages with me and I thought this would be a good way to keep everyone posted my progress. I have kept a written journal since my diagnosis. I plan on transferring some of my better pieces to this webpage.

I realized today I am over the halfway hump of my treatment. The "now what?" and the "what if's?" are starting to ponder my mind. After my final treatment on July 30th, CAT scans will be performed to make sure the cancer has not metastasized. We don't believe it has, but it will put my mind to ease.

As my chest has received another 50cc's of fluid, I am starting to look like I did in 6th grade. Watching your chest increase is a rather strange process. I guess it is the only time in my life I will be able to try each cup size out....better yet....without a bra!