So my last blog was leaving Bali. To this day, that trip put me back on the spiritual ground I needed to be. With a little help of great friends along the way, I have revived my faith and have apologized to God for arguing with him for so many years.
My Grams always said, "When you have nothing else to go on, give it to God."
Cancer changed my life. Surgeries, chemo and radiation damaged my body and drained me of my strength for quite a long time. I had nothing else to go on...so he got a full plate. And then some. After many hours of talking to the air, meditating and praying for answers, I found inner peace.
It is that inner peace that has taken me so long to find, for I will need to get me through the next phase.
I have been dealing with severe pain in my left breast for at least nine months. It has progressively been getting worse. Long story short, radiation has caused my left implant to become encapsulated. In English, I have major scar tissue building up. My right breast has some slight encapsulation, but nothing that is out of the ordinary. My options were given to me by a wonderful plastic surgeon, but two out of the three would involve the possibility of more surgeries in the future. They would also not guarantee I would be pain free. The only option to relieve me of pain and not deal with any further surgeries is to have both implants removed permanently.
I had flashbacks of the day they removed my bandages after my mastectomy. Tough view to swallow. Melissa Ethridge sings it best "...the scars are still there in the mirror, every time she gets herself dressed."
I am not scared of the surgery itself. The fear is the emotional PTSD of the process. Compression bandages, drains, doing nothing for two weeks. I am not the best person when I can't do anything. I am trying to find humor in it all.
Humor got me through the last series. The only humor I can think of right now, is after this surgery, take my implants and return them to the original plastic surgeon and ask for a refund. Hell, at least a few injections of Botox for all the hell we have been through.
So to my daughters original question from five years ago "Mommy, are your new boobs going to be long and skinny? I rescind my comment of "No, they will be round and perky." to "No honey, I will look just like you do."
